I Found This

I really enjoy the article at this address: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/words-of-encouragement-30-short-uplifting-quotes/
sorry it’s not a better link my link thingy doesn’t seem to want to work for me tonight!!!

I have been searching and looking for things from God that will lift me up, help me grow, and show me more about Him. this is one of the articles that I found. Hope you all can find some use for it as well

be blessed!!!



It makes me sad that people are under such pressure from the media. I’ve pondered this many times before. From the football players, to politicians, to the president of the USA. There’s no way that any human person can with stand the scrutiny of all that the media brings to bear, and it’s really sad. We are all human no matter what we believe and therefore will make mistakes. It doesn’t mean that we aren’t good at our jobs, or good to our friends, family, and those around us. It just means that we need forgiveness. Sometimes I wonder how anyone makes it our unscathed when the media is hounding them all the time.
It has become clear to me that quarterbacks are some of the most scrutinized especially in the sports world. Even up against the coaches often the wins or loses rests solely on the shoulders of the quarterback especially in the media. If they win it’s that the quarterback is amazing and did amazing things. That may be true, but what about all the other people on the team. You see it more easily when there’s a loss, the line isn’t blocking, receivers drop catches, running backs can’t get going. But when they win no one talks about how all those things did happen, at least not until a day or two later. Everyone just says “Manning was amazing, or Smith isn’t going to make it.”
It just makes me want to scream. I mean give them a break, and look to some other things. I’m sure they feel bad enough already and they don’t need everyone looking at and dissecting every move they made.
I LOVE football!!! Have for as long as I can remember. I love the Broncos!!! That will never change but I increasingly wonder if it’s worth it to put these men through the emotional and pychological effects of a game where so many people only care about the win and what can be done for me. We want them to be good influences, yet we beat them down and help them get to a place where it’s probably much easier just to self distruct. I don’t know really, I just know what is reported and what I’ve seen. They get caught up in the money and the fame, and then sometimes they get lost in the shuffle, as people, as men, as human beings because everything is so closely watched. And don’t ever make a mistake. Micheal Vick paid for his crimes, he did his time, and now he is out. From all reports I’ve heard doing well, changing his life and supporting and involved in many good causes. But so many people have condemned him for life because of his mistakes. There is no forgivenss and for sure no moving on and allowing him to live his life and be that better person. It has to get to him sometimes, I think it would get to anyone.
I guess what I’m saying is that if it’s a team, it’s a team win or loss. Let’s remember that these men are people that live and love and have a life outside football. Have children and wives, friends, mothers and fathers. Imagine how proud you would be if it was your child and how hard it would be to watch them get eviserated by the media everytime they turned around.

Pray for out public figures, forgive them and love them, even when it’s hard. And remember that when all is said and done God is in charged and really none of these things matter all that much, but the way we act, think, and speak reflects on who we are and what we bring to the table.

Be blessed!!!

Conversation on Twitter

Ok here’s the thing. I searched christian on twitter to see what I could find. I found unfortunately in that search a lot of posts from people saying they are athiest. Which in itself I find funny…but I disgress because that is not what this post is about. Below you will find the tweets I sent him and the one’s he sent me. I grouped them all together in 2 places the one’s from me and the one’s from him. @armyguardwife are the one’s that he wrote to me if you aren’t familiar with the way twitter works. I couldn’t find the post that I originally commented on don’t know if he deleted it or if I just got lost but I believe it was his last comment to me which was, if the majority was muslim would you want one nation, under allah to be printed on your money. To which I said the following:

@TheAtheistGod It goes back to this country being created UNDER GOD…you take it out you lose what this country is all about

The next posts are one’s I sent back to him after his response to me.

@TheAtheistGod in many places in the world God followers are the minority and face many such issues
@TheAtheistGod if the majority believed in pink unicorns I believe you wouldn’t have a choice..
@TheAtheistGod maybe the “religious” part of it but love for God and Christianity in many cases are not the same thing
@TheAtheistGod yet when we make laws about leaving God out isn’t that making a law about God? The majority SHOULD mean something
@TheAtheistGod why should i have to lose God in order for someone else to have

These posts are his responses to me:

@armyguardwife if christians were the minority, would you want “In Allah We Trust” on your money?
@armyguardwife Believe in magic pink unicorns if u like, i don’t care, but make my kids say “One nation, under pink unicorns” I’ll speak up
@armyguardwife They were not all godly men and many had nothing but disdain for christianity
@armyguardwife There’s just a partial list of the founding fathers of our country who would disagree with you. So learn some history
@armyguardwife I do not believe in the creed professed by by the Roman Church by the Greek Church or by the Protestant Church – Thomas Paine
@armyguardwife Rulers who wish to subvert liberty may have found religion convieinint. A just government needs them not. James Madison
@armyguardwife The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason.- Benjamin Franklin
@armyguardwife In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to liberty. President Thomas Jefferson
@armyguardwife Congress shall make NO law respecting an establishment of religion – First amendment of the constitution
@armyguardwife The Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense founded on the Christian religion – President John Adams

This makes me sad because history or not our country was created one nation under GOD!! I doesn’t say under christianity which I think is where people often get confused. The founding fathers were trying to get away from religious oppession, but that doesn’t mean that they didn’t believe in God or that they didn’t look to him for guidance. I guess that fact that you find them praying over their decisions and choices when foudning this country is just a total farce and was just a crap shoot for them(excuse my language). But I mean really because I consider myself a christian I am evil incarnate to some people, over bearing and hateful, and cause all kinds of problems. I think not. It seems to me that more of the problem is that we are human, we are nasty and selfish and dispite the fighting that some do, and the outrageous things that some “christians” do it’s about being under God not under “christianity”.

I wonder how people can not see the difference. But maybe it goes back to my last post, we are supposed to love and to show love and to be love. Maybe if we do that than we can show people that it’s not about the religion it’s about God, and just because people choose to meet together to worship Him doesn’t mean there is any less love to go around to people of all stations, back rounds, wisdom, and knowledge. But please don’t look down on me because of God when you are asking me not to condemn you because you say you don’t believe.

Be blessed!!!


Here’s what I am thinking about today. I read something this morning that has got me thinking about the words in the Bible. Not the one’s we read but the one’s that are the true Hebrew or Greek words. It’s confusing sometimes to think about it, but in many ways there is a lot lacking in the English language and the way that we read the Bible now. There are many words that mean different things to us, and that we take as literal translation that are not.
For instance the word love in English really only has one meaning, or we only have one use for that word but it means many things. So it’s hard when you read the word love in the Bible to figure out what context it is truly talking about and what all the different meaning could be in another language. It’s confusing, although obviously we aren’t missing the major points for it because God wrote the Bible and therefore even with the difference in words and languages the most important things have to ring true. Which also makes me wonder if we focus on things that are so far from important. Love is a prevailing word in the New Testament specifically, so could it be that the most important thing really is love. That it doesn’t matter what you do, or what you say, at the end of the day we love. I in no way advocate sin, or doing the wrong things. However, we often get caught up in them. We treat other people like what they are doing is more important than loving them. I have found that sometimes people can’t change until they are shown love, real love, and often it’s not a change that you see in one day and in some cases one year.
Growing up going to church and with incredible parents it’s hard for me to imagine anything different. But as I have met and been around people that didn’t have those things, I get a sense of truly being lost. The basic things that I would just see as right or wrong aren’t so clear to someone that was never taught them. They have to change their thinking and actions to something that is incredibly foreign to them. And as I have watched these people and seen the growth there is, although maybe by baby steps, I have found myself thinking how can God not love this person? How could He possibly look at what they have done, and how they have changed and say it’s still not enough? I just can’t believe that that is the God that we serve. I don’t have to condone your sin or something that is wrong in order to love you. And you don’t have to be perfect in order for God to love you and cover your sins.
As someone that has always had those good things it’s a slap in the face to realize that though my wrongs and sins may be a little different they are the same to God. I’m just as wrong and maybe in some ways more wrong because I was unwilling to love someone that needed to be loved because I couldn’t get past their wrongs.
Today please take a deep breath and then a deep look at those around you, co workers,family, friends and remember to love them and help them to know or learn that God loves them and that it’s Him they have to please no one else.

Hold on to God and he’ll save your life. This is a country pop song, but listen you can totally apply it to God. Sometimes we forget that even if things aren’t always put out there in a certain way they can still lead us and help us get closer to God.

Be Blessed!!!

Tim Tebow and the Broncos!!!

I would first like to say that I am a long time fan of the Broncos. Not just a Tebow fan and not just a fan because of him. I watched both super bowls when they won back to back in ’98 and ’99, and I was there for the parade after the first one. People really are crazy about sports and these things are an experience that not many will forget.
But I would like to say somethings about this year. So many people, even fans, wondered how the Broncos won those 6 games in a row that put them in position to win their division. I didn’t wonder, I know. There’s a lot of things that come with having a faith in God, and sharing that with those around you. Not only in your words but also in your actions and the way that you carry yourself. No one and I mean NO ONE picked the Broncos to win against the Steelers yesterday. My husband even said I’ll cheer for the Broncos, they need all the help they can get, but it’s not going to happen. Well guess what folks? They won…Tim Tebow looked good, his receivers made amazing catches and the defense stood up when they needed to. I know there are many people that will say God doesn’t care about football so it can’t have anything to do with Him, it’s just one of those things in life that happens in a good way. I couldn’t disagree more.
First, I think that God loves us and cares about us and therefore He loves and cares about the things that we do and the things that are important to us. Second, I can’t think of too many platforms for God that would be better than a professional quarterback for a big team. There are so many people that stand up and do things for Him and I would never take away from or diminish what those people do for God and spreading His good news. But, man, every week win or lose there’s a camera in your face with people asking you questions. And week after week good or bad you give God the glory and share that with your team and fans.
Second, what amazing things could God accomplish through football? Well, I think we are seeing some of that. People are having to listen when he(Tebow) says it’s to God’s glory, and thank God. They try to get him off that topic in his interviews, but he always comes back to it. He is thankful to be playing, he is enjoying what he’s learning and the people that he is playing with, and blessed that he even has the chance. What an amazing stand for what God wants from all of us!!!
We all know that God can do anything, and that faith can move mountains. Well, I for one have seen God move one through Tebow. I don’t think he’s God, I don’t worry about how talented he is or what he needs to learn. But you know what…God is working through him. I wonder how many lives could truly be changed through him, what a good role model he is got kids and for adults. I wonder if someone out there, maybe more than one someone, will be brought to God because of what he is putting out there week in and week out. I am in awe of God’s power and the gift he has given this young man to love life, people, and the game of football.
I don’t know what next week will bring at the Patriots, but I will tell you this. God WILL be there, His will will be done, and Tebow will be thankful and give Him the glory for whatever it is. I will pray this week that the whole team will work hard, study, rest, and decide once again to make good choices and play with all their hearts and everything they have. And I will pray that God’s glory will be seen in the outcome, whatever that is. I pray that Tebow will continue to make good choices in his life and that if at some point in the future he does fall that people will see him as human and know that being human in no way diminishes the impact that we can have for God on other people.

I hope maybe you will watch the game, and see the majic. But more importantly watch his press conferences, see his joy and love of life. And go out and find that for yourself. It’s out there waiting for you all you have to do is knock and God will open His door wide open for you.

Thanks for reading!!

It’s been a while!

Well, I have decided that I am going to try to keep up better with my posting on here. I like sharing my thoughts and feelings and it’s hard to keep people interested if you stop posting all the time. There are so many things that have gone on here. But for today here are the things that I have been thinking about. One people that put stuff out there on social media that isn’t real make me sick. I mean if your life is great that’s awesome..but if you’re going to post the good then sometimes you have to post about the hard times as well. I don’t need details, per se, but it’s annoying when what some people put out there seems to make it like everything is fine dandy, wonderful, and there is never a problem. I have found this to be especially true with marraige relationships. And mostly women, although men do it as well. But I found that it makes me feel like I am wrong for posting when bad things are going on in my life or marriage. It also makes me wonder why young people get married, and then get divorced, or why the divorce rate is so high. I wonder if anyone has ever considered that maybe it’s because we spend so much time putting out there what we think our lives should look like that we forget that reality doesn’t always match. I have often felt that there’s something wrong with me because when I talk to people about my marriage I am often very blunt. Not so much in my social media, although I do share some there as well. But I find myself haveing to make sure I tell people how much I love my husband, because when I say he’s a jerk sometimes it sounds bad. But it’s the truth sometimes he is a real jerk. On the flip side sometimes I’m not all that great either. I do things that I don’t mean, or in a knee jerk reaction before I think and then I regret them, but often the damage is already done. I don’t know how much my parents fought. I’m sure that they did but I never saw it, and as far as I remember there weren’t too many married people that I ever knew there were problems with. Yes, I knew of some that got divorced but in my church family there were few and definately no one was telling any of the kids what was going on. I wonder if that’s not some of the problem as well. How was I supposed to learn about arguements in marriage, or the reality if no one told me or showed me. I have had to learn everything I know, although I still don’t know much, basically on my own or after I made a big mistake when I got someone’s thoughts on it after the fact. Maybe I wouldn’t always listen ahead of time, but surely if we start at a younger age teaching our children about conflict and how we should act as husband and wives there would be less marriages that result in divorce. Of course I have no clue if that would work or not but it seems to me that it’s just as good a thought as anything that anyone else puts out there as a reason there are more divorces now. It also seems to me that maybe when we look at other, especially our spouses, we should remember that they are just as human as they are and that there is something special and sacred in someone that loves us enough to stay. Family is not a given, we are not guarenteed love, family, happiness by God. So shouldn’t we be able to see how blessed we are that at the end of the day we aren’t alone and have people around us that love us. Sometimes it hard to remember this, but I have tried to be thankful for something every night when I go to bed, and sometimes all I can come up with is to be thankful that I don’t have to live alone, or that there is food in my house, or that we have a TV…sometimes the things that I find to be thankful for are not profound but very simple and I have to really think to find them, but I’m thankful I truly as and maybe tomorrow maybe someone I love will do something that will allow me to be even more grateful and remember why I am so blessed to be a part of this family. It’s not always obvious and we all have bad days when it’s a chore just to make it through, but maybe we should try to remember in those times that we should try not to do or say something that will take away from the joy or blessings we could feel the next day if we just kept our mouth shut and did our best to make it through a bad day. Stay blessed everyone!!!

Seeking God

When I think about what it means to truly seek God and know him it is often an easier question than I tend to make it. I find it hard to put into words how I believe and where my faith is. I don’t think that I have ever really doubted God or struggled with faith, and if I have it was for a very short period of time. I believe in God, I KNOW that he is there. Some of my biggest questions and issues come from things that aren’t simple and that there is no easy answer for. I believe that the Bible holds all of God’s truth and that seeking him through biblical knowledge is something that we all need to do and strive for. But sometimes no matter how well you know the Bible the answer isn’t there. Sure there’s something that someone can point out that speaks to His presence, His will, the fact that he’s there and he knows what’s going on in your life and that He has the great plan. Ya sure…I get it! I believe it! But sometimes we can be broken by the lack of answers. I had one of these moments this week. It wasn’t enough for me to know that God was there. It wasn’t enough to know that he knew the situation and that no matter what happened he would be there.

I have already excepted that fact!! It’s as much a part of me as the love that I have for my family. But I wanted an answer, I wanted to know how God was looking that the situation in my life and there was no place to go in the Bible that flat out gave me the answer I was seeking. I felt lost, not in my faith in God or my trust in his love, grace, forgiveness, and presence in my life. I didn’t want to struggle with this question for the rest of my life and I knew that I was going to if someone didn’t give me a good answer that I could grab onto.

This it what makes our God an amazing and loving God. He may not always give us the answers we want or like, and he may not always answer when we want him to. But God answered me, like a great big lightning bolt from the sky. He answered me in a way that I knew it was him and He was talking to me. I asked the question, I cried and sturggled with it and an answer came clear as day. I believe that we have to be seeking him. Sometimes it’s just looking for what he does for us on a day to day basis. the small things that he provides that without him we would most likely go without. But it’s those times when having an answer impacts the rest of our lives when God really shows his presence. And it’s not about getting th answer that we want in relation to things that we “want”. Like I want to be healed, I want my kids to grow up and be ok, I want so many things and I pray for those things. And I’m sure He has an answer and a plan for those prayers. But that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about something that has a direct on your relationship with God and what you will be able to do for and with Him. That might sound kind of selfish and like without an answer I would turn away from Him. But that is not the case. I have, for the most part moved past the point where I don’t trust in God’s plan and know that even when I think of things that I couldn’t possibly live through, I know that I could with Him. I still struggle and this has nothing to do with whether I am worthy of His love and grace. I’m not, this has to do with the fact that God’s part of me, i trust Him and I love Him and that’s not a debateable or breakable bond. God’s here, He lives in me.
I sometimes think that people would be shocked to here my conversations with God. I’ll be the first one to praise him and to be repentive, and contrite. But I also will be the first to talk to him just like I talk to anyone else. He’s real, he’s in the room with me. So why would I speak to him any differently than I speak to those other people in my life. Soemtimes those conversations are soft and quiet and sometimes they are loud and frustrated and painful. I love knowing that I can be who I am with God, that I can say what I feel and that He still loves me and that sometimes feelings are just feelings and it’s what we do with those feelings that make us right or wrong. God knows us and just because we try to talk to Him in a different way than we talk to other people in our lives doesn’t mean that He doesn’t hear us and that he doesn’t know what is going on in our lives. How absurd it is to me that people put a face on for God, ever!!! Even if you’re wrong in the end what good does it do to try to show anyone something different because God knows He’s there in your heart and He sees it.

I don’t claim to be right about everything, as a matter of fact I know that there are many things that I am probably wrong about. I hope that I seek God in a way that will allow Him to forgive me and be covered by Jesus’ blood. I hope that if I am truly wrong about something that he will send someone or something into my life that will reveal that to me so that I can change myself and adjust my thoughts and views. Words aren’t enough. God put His words on paper, he told us those things that are most important. I believe there some things that aren’t spelled out to the letter in the Bible because in the end they just aren’t that important. How some choose to praise and worship God in church is a good example. Others are dancing, laughing, sarcasm, where you meet for church. These things aren’t up there at the top of the important list. God tells us to love him and love each other. If you are truly living that then there should be no question about whether we are living our lives for God and if we are doing the right thing.

Sometimes we come into contact with someone that is commiting a sin against God and it’s in those times that we have to remember that we are to love God and one another, but not love one another in deferance to God. He comes first!!! So we hold each other accountable, we remember that we are all sinners and most of all we remember that in the end GOD is the judge not us. We can tell someone they are wrong, that they are sinning, that they need to change their ways. But we do not have the right to tell them they are going to hell. And if we think we do we need to read the story again about cast the first stone. Because while you might not think your sin is “that bad” or “as bad” as the person you are condemning. You are wrong and you are hurting God just as much as the next person. Remember that you want God to judge you on your heart and your life not on what someone else sees in your life.

I know people that would tell you in a heart beat that I am going to hell because I was mean to them, or I made a mistake and did the wrong thing. Well, I’m here to tell you that’s ok. I still love them and I still hope that God will make himself known in their life. That probably won’t change the way they view me, and that’s ok but I still want them to know God. And if they think they know God now and are doing the right thing, then guess what i don’t have to worry about that because God will determine that when the time comes. It doesn’t make it hurt less, or hope and pray that things will change one day so that I can have those people in my life. But I don’t want God’s job and I’m not going to try to decide if someone knows better, or deserve my forgiveness i’m just going to give it and know that God has them in His hands and that they have the choice to follow him and try to live his way or not.

i get scared and worried about things sometimes. Probably more than I should. But when it comes right down to it, i know that God is in control. I know that he knows what I can handle and that if he allows me to suffer or to have a painful experience it’s because it’s only going to make me stronger and it’s only going to show me a little bit more of His spirit and His love. Why would any one ask for anything different? Pain is part of life, a big part of it. But God never said we couldn’t be happy, that we couldn’t enjoy life and the people that we share it with. It’s ok to enjoy life even when someone else is suffereing somewhere and it’s ok to love God no matter what happens in your life. It’s not an insult to the people around you or to one’s that may have passed on to enjoy life without them. It doesn’t change anything for me to be myserable because my step-daughter is about to have another baby that I won’t get to meet, or that I haven’t seen the grandson i already have in almost a year. I can be sad about those things and not understand them, and I can still be happy that I have an amazing family, husband, kids, I have a job that is teaching me things and helping me to grow. Being myserable is not a direct reflection on how much we love God or how much we love the people around us. Love is just love and it’s just there no matter what. it doesn’t change, nothing can alter it, and it is everlasting. These are the things that are true. This is the God that I know. This is the gift that he has given me to love and to continue to love even when it hurts, even when I don’t understand, and even when that person doesn’t return the love that I have given them. How many people don’t love God as much as He loves them? Yet God is still love and He still loves them and yearns for them. If we are made in His image than isn’t it the same for us. We can yearn for someone that we have lost or love that doesn’t return it, but we can still love those around us and give them the best part of ourselves because there is more than enough to go around.

HU Queer Press

I must say that after hearing some of my girls at work talk about the Harding Queer Press I was interested in looking at it. It has even made national headlines. So I headed over the the zine tonight and started reading. I must say that as a person that grew up in church, and that has very strong ties to Harding( I did not go there), I was pretty disgusted. If you want to go to church and believe in God and be gay..fine. But guess what???? You are NOT going to change my mind anymore than I am going to change yours. I will not say that it’s ok, or that i support your decision and choice. I will love you, but love has nothing to do with excepting someone else’s sin. I will admit that I feel horrible. As a young girl i wore my sin on my sleeve when i got pregnant before I was married and it was horrible the way people looked at me and talked to me. Like I was stupid or something and I do not agree with that at all. Maybe if those that lie, cheat, steal, gossip, and commit any number of other sins that people don’t necessarily see, could have the chance to wear that sin on THEIR sleeve than they would begin to understand what’s it’s like to live under a microscope. As for those out there that are gay, or think they might be gay, or struggle with this. There seems to be a difference between the sin I wore on my sleeve and the sin you wear on yours…and that is that I can repent and ask forgiveness and still go to heaven. I believe that you have the right to be given the same treatment by the people who love God. I do not believe that finding ways to justify your sin is helpful to anyone except for you. It makes you feel better and be able to be “happy”. Well, guess what folks God never said that life would be a happy place. But let’s not sugar coat things here. God says that being gay is wrong. Just like too much alcohol, lying, cheating stealing, fornication, murder, slander, and any number of other things that I’m sure that I have left out. The gay arguement has often lead me to wonder when being an alcoholic or drug addict, porn, sex, gambling, and any other sin will be the next thing to become “who i am, so how can it not be ok, and how can anyway say it’s wrong”. People have different addictions and different sins that they lean towards or that are harder for them than the next person to overcome. Does that mean that since it’s harder for me to give up being a liar than to not drink alcohol that that is how God made me and therefore I should be accepted and cherished for being a liar. I’m gonna say a big NO on that one. I know there are those that will strongly disagree with this and say that I am making light of a serious issues, or comparing it to something I have no business comparing who someone is to something that is just “wrong”. But I will continue to say that being gay is a sin against GOD, that it is not ok and that you should turn and run from sin, no matter what that means for the rest of your life. Just like I need to run from my lying, cheating, drug, addiction, sex addiction or anything else that may be part of who God made me. God did NOT make me that way, God did not put me in the womb and say “hey I think I’ll have this person be an alcoholic because that’s wrong and they should be able to be saved and in Heaven with me too” so if I make them this way then they can have a way to be with me.” This is probably pretty harsh and raw, but to tell you the truth I am feeling pretty harsh and raw. I am currently seperated from my husband because he is fighting for his life trying to wrestle and deal with is demons and things that are not from God and that have almost distroyed him. How dare you tell me that my God made you in a way that is in a direct opposition to what he has said is true and good, and how dare you try to make me feel bad because I love Him and I want to follow His teachings. I struggle enough with my own issues and things that I have to battle in this world not to have to deal with yours on a nation level on a regular basis. When do I get a turn? When is someone going to tell me that I don’t have to take medicine because I am depressed anymore because it’s the way i am. My brain chemicals don’t work right, so I must have been born that way which means God made me that way….so I should be able to not take medication and do things that are self destructive and wrong…right? Well, I mean you can keep going in that way if you choose to take one thing that God said and make it not wrong anymore because it makes it easier for you. So I say to you…i love you! I want the best for you! I think someone should hit you over the head and I think you need to wake up. God does love you and nothing can change that but loving you and going to heaven are not the same thing. None of us are guarenteed heaven and GOD is the ONLY judge of that. So I will continue to believe that being gay is wrong, but I won’t tell you you are going to hell because that’s God’s job and honestly I don’t want that responsibility it’s too hard and too painful. God has to just want to cry because of the sin of us all, and how he will ever be able to decide who gets into heaven is beyond me. But I trust HIM and I know that HE and only He sees MY heart and knows what is there. So guess what I am crazy and I will continue to take my medication because it allows to me be more able to seek and find God in my life. It allows me to make less mistakes and do less things that are totally crazy, even to me when i look back on them. And i will thank God that I have people in my life that love me and that support me and my faults and love me dispite the fact that I am broken and lost. Praise God for His faithfulness and love and may that love be poured down on everyone one of us that we may see and know Him and carry Him always in our hearts, even when it seems that all that comes from it is pain. Because I promise you that even a world for of pain will be worth it on the other side when you get to stand in HIS presence and in the presence of His son Jesus Christ who died for my sins just as well as yours.

Here’s what I think about….

As I was going to work …..before 6 am this morning I was thinking about God and marriage and how we are Jesus’ bride. This is something that is difficult for me because we are human. When we marry we are not marrying God, and as woman I want to expereince God’s love the way that my husband loves me. But my husband’s love is flawed. It’s not perfect and it doesn’t always have my best interests at heart. I found myself wondering if that is the best comparison and then wondering what is wrong with that I would think that God is crazy!!! I know that He is not and I know that His love is perfect, but it’s hard for me to see that when I view it from the bride perspective. That’s really all I have on that…I just wonder.

That leads me to the fact that I wonder if there is anyone out there that would have that thought but me. I know that each person is created personally by God and that we are all unique and different. A friend told me when I spoke with her about this that she thinks that everyone is that way but that most people don’t put it “out” as much as I do. Which is probably true:) But I have found very few people that think about things the way that I do, that wonder things that aren’t “normal” that most people don’t even ever have in their sight until I point it out. I can’t say how many times I have heard….well, I have never thought about that. or thought of it in that way.” Well, duh that’s kind of the point. I also wonder if this means that I am not on God’s side as much as I would like to believe that I am. I watch my Grandma at almost 85 and it makes me sad, she has so much pain and hurt, and it has gone across so much of her life that it’s all that she knows. I’m not sure that she truelly knows what true love or happiness is???!!! It makes me sad because I can not imagine this. I look at the people in my life and that I am surrounded with and how much happiness and love and life there is and I wonder if we are all wrong, or if we aren’t wrong but we all have our own view of what God wants from us. Is that wrong?? I have no idea. But I do know that God created us, all different, all unique, all with different circumstances around us and how could he possibly have done that if there is not more than one way to get to Him and find Him.

It breaks my heart knowing that people live their lives believing that they aren’t good enough for God, or that there is a certain way to be that will lead them to Him and heaven. I may be going to hell but I believe that God knows each of us, knows our hearts, knows our lives and knows what we have been through and strive to deal with and He loves us anyway. There are things that are black and white but some things aren’t and in those things maybe we can find our way to each other and to Him. Seek Him, Love Him, and you will find Him.

The last week!!!

Well in the last few days so many things have happened and been pondered by me. First, my sister and her husband have had a amazing answer to prayer. The results won’t be official until sometime next week, but as of now things are pretty amazing and happening for the good of everyone involved. Second, my husband and I had a really great long conversation last weekend. I have really been struggling with my job and if I can really handle it. It’s actually a pretty great job and a good place to work with amazing people. My problem is that many of the people have very little to no experience in the industry which makes many things everytime I work hard to deal with. It’s been hard for me to try to create relationships because I am so frustrated. I have told myself that I have to give it time, so in my head I have committed to 3 months before I start looking for a new job. This may change between now and then and I REALLY want to quit now, but I also feel that I am supposed to learn something here and that there is something big that will come from this. Also I have the strength to deal in a way that many people do not and I feel like I have something to contribute. It’s not that it couldn’t be done without me, I know that it could, it’s that I have a unique way and maybe while I am learning there is someone else that is supposed to be, or might learn something as well.

Anyway, my husband said some pretty amazing things to me. It’s not that I don’t know what he thinks it’s just that it’s not often that I get a real and true sense of what he sees in me. I need to be pushed and fought on even small things sometimes because I have the tendency to just run over people and not even notice. So for him to be so kind and to share so much with me was pretty great and he probably has no idea of the impact on me that his words had.
We had a discussion again about his daughter, my step-daughter that is still not speaking to us. It’s not an easy topic and in many ways the decision has been made. She told him last year to choose between her and me, and he chose. He chose me because I’m his wife adn that’s the way it’s supposed to be. I often wonder how God would really have us handle this situation and if we are doing the right thing. Sometimes I think no, and sometimes I think that she made her choice and because there are consequences for all choices well now she has to live with them. She has not and will never be banned from our lives or our love. We have just chosen not to seek her out because we don’t want to fight and he and I both believe that she was wrong. I’m not sure that I will ever get the apology that him and I both believe that I deserve. Most of the time I don’t really even care if she ever apologizes as long as she’s back in our life with her husband and son and doesn’t ever treat either her Dad or I this badly ever again. I have spent much time going back over all the things that have happened and aside from a few small changes there is not really anything in the last 8 years that I would change. I wasn’t wrong, the truth is I probably loved her more and in a different way than anyone else has ever loved her in her life. I can’t and won’t take that back because that would make me someone that I’m not.

I have never claimed to be and easy person to get a long with or live with or be around. But I do know that I am amazing in my own right, that God made me who I am for a reason and isn’t it kind of like spitting in his face if I try to be someone I am not or I feel guilty for being the person that I am. Don’t get me wrong it’s not easy and sometimes I wonder why God chose me to be this way. Why he created me with this distinct mixture of features and personality and not someone else that is more worthy or would handle it better. I actually wonder that a lot!!! I do know that all I can do is be who I am, to love the people around me to the best of my ability and to try to show people something different and in as many ways as I can on a daily basis.

Sometimes I think we don’t understand that all God really wants it for us to worship and love eachother. And that love is not conditional. That love doesn’t mean that I have to like you or spend time with you it just means that you get to live your life, that God can and does love you as well as me, and that I want you to have all the good things that God wants for you. In many ways people make that too difficult. It’s not really. I mean there are lots of people that grate on my nerves, that I can’t spend too much time in close contact with or I start to lose my mind. Does that make me bad or wrong? I don’t think so. Does that mean that if someone is nasty to me I should feel good about it and try to spend more times with them. I sure hope not!!! I believe it means that I do turn the other cheek, that I love them anyway. It doesn’t change my pain or hurt, or even anger, but it’s what I do with those things that make me or break me in God’s love. Our God has an amazing love and it is bigger and stronger than what we can even fathom. If we can try to make ourselves remember that in even the hardest situations maybe his love won’t be so hard for us to see and give.

My thoughts tonight!!!

I probably don’t need to write much about this video, but I wanted to share some thoughts!!! We live, love, remember and move on. Sometimes we forget that evil is near and all around us. It comes in many forms and it is so often the case that we don’t see it until it is too late. I do not understand the people out there that can’t grasp the fact that people actually flew PLANES into BUILDINGS in America. It’s not that we are immune to violence or perfect or anything else. It’s that we are supposed to be One nation, under GOD obviously there are some issues here. Personally I believe that we will continue to head towards Jesus’ return for a long time. When God put Noah in an ark and destroyed the world there were no good people left. I still believe there are good people, people that love God and seek to know and find him in everything that they do. My fear is that in the mean time we forget to be angry or scared or lost. PLANES into BUILDINGS come on people…if there was ever a reason to get angry that would be a good one. I do not know a lot about war or the whys or what politicians spend way to much time talking about and not acting on. But I do know that we have to protect and take care of ourselves and each other and not just on tragic days. Remember as you go through your day tomorrow or today that everyone has a story and their own personal tragedy. That person you pass and don’t smile at could have just been left by their wife of 32 years, or that woman could be morning the loss of a man that she had by her side for 58 years. It could be a mother that works 2 jobs and still doesn’t know how she will pay the light bill this month. Rememeber…always remember that someone somewhere sacrificed something for you maybe it was a soldier

I am an Army Wife…my husband lost 3 buddies after he was back in the USA. You heard me they lost no one while in Iraq in 2008, in 2009 they lost 3 of their soldiers, friends, and loved ones. One of them was one of my husband’s best freiends. He was an amazing young man, not yet 23 years old with a young daughter. Don’t ever forget that they are out there fighting for you. Don’t forget that the scars are real and linger long after setting foot back on American soil. There is no greater sacrifice than to fight for your country, or God, or both. And then there are the families because don’t be mistaken they sacrifice for you as well. Birthdays, anniversaries, the birth of their children, deaths, funerals, weddings, life. We go on and we keep going we think “God Bless You” or “thank you for your service” but have you ever really stopped to REALLY think about what that means. Could you go months without seeing the person you love, days without talking to them or hearing from them. Could you give of your self enough that when they come home you don’t leave because they are so screwed up it’s just not fixable. there are those that never heal or recover from what war does to them and it destroys their lives, and there are those that spend months and years trying to get the help they need just to be “normal” again. Do you know what that feels like…have you ever really though about it?

The greatest sacrifice was made for you by Jesus Christ. He died so that you and I may live, so that we could share His love and spirit with those around us. Don’t be decieved there is a heaven and hell and there will be people that go to both. I am not the judge of who goes where but I can tell you that the Bible is very specific and to the point in many ways. You are loved, You can be saved, and have a special seat in heaven beside the right hand of Jesus if you just open your heart, accept Him, repent and be baptized into His name. You do NOT have to be perfect nor will you ever be, but you can live in His open loving arms everyday because of this sacrifice.

I trust that you will be open and touched by God and by His love. That you will see and feel the depth of his love and the knowledge that you’ve got me and Jesus on your side. Love Him, share Him, have life and live it abundantly!!!!

My daughter

This song is absolutely amazing!!! I love it!!! My daughter in the car one day asked who is the hero. I asked her who she thought the Hero was and she said Jesus. She was 4 at the time. Yesterday when we prayed before bed she asked me “why do we say in Jesus name at the end” I didn’t really have a good answer. But she ended up saying at the end of my not so good explaination that “we say In Jesus name” so God can hear us and to make sure he gets the prayer” that’s not exact but it was something like that. I told her ya basically. She is amazing and tonight I wanted to share this song.

I guess I have been sad the last few days. It kind of weird because I don’t really feel sad but things keep making me cry and washing over me with overwhelming emotion. I am so blessed, there are not enough ways to say it, or enough times it can be said. I have been married 8 years as of Tuesday. I have 3 absolutely amazing kids that are so sweet, that get good grades, and that treat people well. their teachers love each other them, dispite their sometimes difficulties and I am so proud that I get to spend my life with them, try to teach them what I know and have learned and watch them grow into what I hope and pray will be amazing people that do amazing things. Please listen to the song if you haven’t heard it…it’s a little hard core so be aware. and if you have heard it listen to it again, really listen and see if it doesn’t stir something in you that maybe you have been avoiding or pushing to the back burner lately. We all need a Hero and we all have one living in us!

Ted Kennedy’s Replacement

I was so excited tonight. My husband turns the TV to the news, as usual. But he happened to turn it right as they were talking about Ted kennedy’s replacement being elected in Mass. I could not believe my ears. I usually tune out the news because most of the time it just irritates me or makes me mad. However, my first thought when I saw that a republican(ok this is not really a political thing, but I thought I should mention that I am not anything, maybe independant, but I’m in the middle on a lot of issues, this blog is about something else) had been elected was Wow God is so alive and so amazing. When Obama got elected my facebook page was bombarded with status updates that went from “the end of the world is here”, “Obama is the anit-christ”, to many other things.

   All I remember thinking was that all these people that believe in God and pray to Him for so many things don’t trust that he knows what He is doing. Throughout history we humans have proven that we have no clue and that we are doomed to make the mistakes of the past. Obama is a man plan and simple just like every other human on the planet. I realize he’s also the president but come on people. Anyway, that’s not the point. My point is here we are right at one year later and guess what this one republican being elected means that the Democrats no longer have all the power in the senate.

  My side of that is I find it funny that all the sudden they are talking about getting things together and owrking together for things like health care. Isn’t that the point of senate in the first place, to work together for the American citizens good. duh!!! Well, obviously that’s not it since the only reason why everyone is scrambling is because now they don’t have the power they so crave and need the help of some of those “other people” in order to get even part of what they want. Funny if you ask me.

  Anyway, that’s not my point. My point is God is amazing. He is alknowing and he is always with us, whether we think he is or not. Obviously some people in Mass. wanted something different and have not liked what they have seen over the last year. But God knew. He knew way back in November of  ’08 when all these people were elected. Can you imagine sitting there saying why are you saying all these things. This is just a man, these are just men and women, they do not have my power, and they don’t know what I can do. How great is our God that He placed on the hearts of those people in Mass. to vote for someone that could drastically change Washington. How amazing that position would even be open one year after the term started, that’s not really a normal turn of events. I have sat here all night and I keep coming back to what an amazing God. What an amazing country we live in that dispite the fact that people want to say bad things, and assume the worst, that is when we find the best. That is when, if you are really looking you can see God’s presence, and His miracles. I believe in miracles. Maybe not the same one’s Jesus performed, but how amazing is what happened today. Our God is with us today. He has shown us His power and His way in HIS time.

“but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

If you know the song that goes with the verse the end says “teach me Lord to wait”….we are called to look to Him, to trust Him, and to wait on Him. How amazing that when we don’t jump to conclusions and we trust in His good and perfect will that amazing things happen. And no matter how hard we try those things will always be to the good of those that love Him and to show His glory to the world.

I’m sure there are people that have their own opinions of why this happened. People are unhappy with the democrats and Obama because he has been so slow in fulfilling his promises from his campaign. People want change and therefore they are wish-washy because they don’t know what they think or believe or really want. But I am here to tell you that I trust God. I knew amazing things would happen. I knew that our country was still full of good people that do good things and that love God. This proves it once again for me and I intend to make sure that I tell the good news and the good story before I decide to start blaming someone else or assuming the worst.

Thanks for reading and have a blessed day!!!!


So I have been convicted in a way. I have recently like in the past month seen 3 people from the church that I attended last year while my husband was deployed to Iraq. All three have said that they would like to see us out there again. I have some issues with that because I really have some issues with church, as whole. I love God and I am in constant contact and interaction with him. I have friends that I talk to on the phone aobut everything in my life and aout God and what he wants from us. I think A LOT outside the box. i don’t believe in putting God in a box and therefore sometimes it’s hard for me to interact with people that have their thoughts made up about certain situations. So my point is that I think I’m going to take my kids to church tonight. Not because everyone tells me it’s what I should do but because I am open enough to see that God is working on me and that by recent events there is a reason that he wants me to go to church. And not only that there is a reason i belong at the church that i had been going to. That scares me in a lot of ways because there were quite a few issues that I had out there. But I truelly believe one of two things is supposed to happen. I’m supposed to change my thinking about some things….or I’m supposed to help to make this congregation everything that it can be. It’s a little scary…but isn’t this what faith is all aobut???

Anyone reading this that is determined to judge someone that doesn’t go to church regularly I challenge you to stop and think abou that. God has lead me back to church, He lives in me and He blesses my life and I don’t go to church regularly. But there’s a reason He wants me there and I know that it is up to me to head that call when it is given. So…here I go. We’ll see what happens and hopfeully I will be even more imencely blessed by whatever happens.


THanks for listening. Have a blessed day!

Join my group….

Hey for any of you out there that are a member of face book I have started a group called “Seeking God through discussion”

I have been seeking a place to share my thoughts and my life and struggles and i have yet to find anything on here that is real. That discusses real life and that gets deep into our thoughts and what God really wants from us. So I created my own group. I want it to be a place of sharing and of learning from each other. It’s often hard to know where someone else is at and until we are directly effected by a situation it’s also hard to know what we would say or do. I have found that faith is something that is often illusive. That is hard to find and that in the midst of pain, worry, anger, and frustration it is often the furthest thing from our minds.

It is extremely painful when you watch a friend go through such a difficult time that they start to question God and what His goal is for our lives. Someone that has always known and loved God and that you know is so lost that they may just fall off the edge. This is scary and it is sad. It’s sad that so many of us have been taught and conditioned to know a God that doesn’t really love us, or only loves us when we are perfect. It’s hard to know that there is something more, that a personal relationship with God means something different than what you may have always known. It’s not about what someone else believes or what someone told you or taught you. It’s about seeking God and finding him for yourself. It is very hard for me to know the answers to some very difficult questions. Even things that the Bible speaks about. There are things that are confusing and there are things that aren’t directly spoken of in the Bible. It’s not a blue print, I don’t believe there is any way to follow it to the point where we will be saved. Which is where grace comes in. My struggle is that what if the grace is supposed to cover something that you have always been taught is wrong.

here’s my new big question…..what makes a marriage to God?…..is it the piece of paper. Is it the heart of the people involved. Is it when you have sex with the person you pledge to live the rest of your life with? What to God is marriage? And if it’s sex, do I have more than one husband, even though I’ve only been married once. Am I cheating on my husband because i’m not with the first person that I had sex with. Also even if you get married and have that piece of paper is it really a marriage in God’s eyes if that marriage is never what God views marriage as. A joining of two people, two people becoming one, a husband clinging to his wife, and the wife clinging to her husband. What if that doesn’t happen. What if you are married for 10 years and in those 10 years there has been no time when that marriage has been what God calls it to be in the Bible. If you get a divorce knowing what God thinks about divorce are you going to hell? I mean if God never saw the marriage in the first place, doesn’t that kind of negate the divorce. I am so confused on this subject. I’m confused because I know that we should not get divorced and that this is something that God is against. However, i also know what God says about husbands and wives and the way they are supposed to behave and treat each other. If one or both parties don’t follow these rules aren’t you in just as much danger of going to hell as if you get divorce because you feel your marriage is not what God would want it to be.

I want to believe that God loves us. That He wants us to be happy, not that life will be easy, or painful, but happy. That he wants us to be able to say that our life is good, that no matter what we live in His love and glory. What if you are in a situation where you can’t say that? Or is that even possible? Should we be finding God and seeking him that much more if we have the feeling that we are myserable, and things will change. Plus then there’s the onther people…you can’t change someone else. Do you surrender to being in pain for the rest of your life because you are willing to change and the other person isn’t. Wow….I couldn’t get more confused. This is why I started this group. Pretty much everyone has their thoughts about these things and I wanted a  place for people to talk and share without judgment or fighting. If anyone is as confused as I am..then maybe we can find help together.

I do know this. God is good all the time. God loves us, and he truelly wants what is best for us. Just because we can’t find that doesn’t mean that it’s not what He wants. And just because we often put God in a box, especially where our feelings and opinions are concerned doesn’t mean that He can’t touch and change anything that we step back and give him the power to change. Thanks for listening…and if you’d like to start or answer some more interesting questions please stop by my facebook page…or join the group that I mentioned earlier.

Have a blessed day!

I’m angry!

So the phone rings at like 10:45 last night. As usual my husband doesn’t answer it because we are in bed and he has to get up early. We know who it is it’s his best friend. This is not the first time he has called when he knows we are in bed. Anyway, we lay there and an hour later the phone rings again. This time it is a different man saying that Chad’s best friend is talking crazy and he can’t calm him down. I’m not really sure where to go from here.

So I’ll do my best not to make this confusing. The man that called we’ll say he’s “John”….is a christian man that goes to church and that him and his wife are very open about wanting to be in God’s light, and keeping their family on the right path. I am all for that and I know that most people have their hearts in the right place even when they are wrong.

Ok so “steve” calls my husband and when he doesn’t get him, he calls John. Who then calls my husband and then my husband calls Steve. I know that something is wrong at this point and I am just hoping that it’s not another call saying that someone they love has died. That happened to us in January. Anyway, my husband talks to Steve for a minute we get out of bed, and next thing he says is I’m going to Steve’s house. It’s not like his house is just down the road, he lives 30 minutes away. So I kiss him, tell me to be careful, and let me know when he gets there.

Steve is drunk and apperantly his wife has left the house. That was all I knew at the time. My heart is just breaking because I know how much they love each other and I know that they are dealing with some pretty major issues. Aside from just getting home from Iraq, Steve is the one that found his friend in January who had accidentally over dosed while drinking. Man….can we even imagine? I know I can’t. I’m pretty sure I would be messed up for a long time. Anyway, not that I agree necessarily, but he needed someone to love him and just to listen. Sure he was yelling and mad and going off about his wife and what she was doing. But he was mad, and upset, and she had left. I’m sure there were 1,000 things going through his head.

This is why I am angry. Today I look at John’s wife’s myspace page and she has a message on there about how Steve is ungrateful and she is losing sleep because he wants to grip about his responsibilities. I am so angry. i realize that it’s really none of my business. And there is no reason for me to get involved. But Steve is like my brother, I love him. I would protect him from anything that I had the power to protect him from. I am proud of him, and I want him to learn things. I am so angry that someone who claims to be a good friend, and care so much would be so ugly about something that obviously says that Steve was in need.

I get so tired of “christian” people doing things in the name of God that are not what god would want. Do I think that God would say Steve was right or doing the right thing. No I don’t, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t deserve friends and someone to listen to him and love him and be there for him when he needs them. Plus, I can’t stand liars. I can’t stand people that lead you to believe something that is absolutely not true. I know Steve I spend time with him, I talk to him, and I know his heart. I also know that he is struggling and he is lost and he needs someone to love him and be there for him. It seems that this family is only willing to be friend and believe God lead people into their lives if that person is willing to follow them blindly and believe everything that they say….oh not to mention not put them out to much. If you have issues they need to be at a certain time of day and only last so long because they have other things to do and sleep is important.

I am not God and I am not their judge. That is for them to face when they meet God. I don’t know what he will decide and that is something that only he can know. All I know is this. I have watched too many people walk away from God because they don’t know him and people that do are bad stewards and show them a God that is not real. A God that wants perfection and that wants you to automatically change from one day to the next. That is not true, I believe taht it is a process and that we all find our way to him. But that has nothing to do with our hearts and our love for him or desire to be a part of him.

I’m still trying to figure all this out. And maybe it’s not anger, it’s heart break and pain. My heart hurts for Steve and what he is going through and it breaks that someone would treat him so badly in a time when he is so obviously in need of understanding and love. I guess I will go thanks for reading and listening.

Have a blessed day!!!!

Mother’s Day…and love

As I reflect on Mother’s Day…which is Sunday. It goes along with so many of the things that I have been thinking about lately. It occurs to me that God makes all of us in His image. Doesn’t that mean that we are all beautiful wonderful great people. Maybe some of us have more of one trait or another. There are some that are such a mixture of so many things that you wonder how God can be all of them. I have pondered this when I think about the differences between men and women, and the many very stark differences there are. But there is a place for all of these things. God made us this way, he made us different. He made us to compliment each other and help each other in life’s struggles and fears and to be together in happiness and fun. I am no better than anyone else, and while God chose me to be a strong women, that has a tremendous sense of fairness and truth. While others are given the ability to um…comfort and befriend(?) those that need it.
Maybe that doesn’t make sense….but there are some situations where my gifts and what God has given me will be of more benefit and there are some where someone else probably has a gift that is better suited to the situation. I am so thankful for these differences. Not that they are easy to live with or sometimes other people’s “way” annoys me. But it is truelly amazing the way that God has used His image to creat people that are so different and that have the ability to make differences in so many different ways.

As a mother maybe there are things I fail at. But I know this…I listen to my children. I know them. Their strengths and weaknesses and I do my best to try to help them learn and to know that who they are is absolutely amazing. I try to bring out their strengths and show them that there are so many good things about all people. I have two boys. I love showing them affection and love, and giving them what so many men dont’ have. I have no dilusions that at some point they will probably enter the “I am man” mentality, but my hope is that I will give them just enough softness, love, and compassion that they will be the best men, friend, father, and husband that they possibly can be. That they will treat people with respect and that they will take up and take care of the poeple that are around them. My daughter…my hope is that i will be able to guide her, like my mother has, and love her. To help her be a better friend, mother, and wife. I want them all to know God, not just the stories but know Him and trust him and seek Him for themselves. To ask questions and to not just accept what people tell them or what I tell them for that matter. Being a mother is a responsiblility that never ends. I will always fervently pray for my children. I will always pray that they will know God, that He will be real to them, and that they have a true relationship with him. This is the goal for all of my life…whether I fail or succeed is up to God to determine. But I will always be a strong women, with a compassionate heart, and a belief that God can and will see to it that the changes that need to be made are made…in His time in His way. This Mother’s Day I am thankful for a mother and Grandmothers that have taught me so much and have always loved me. I am thankful that in August I am going to have the chance to be a Grandmother, that my daughter is compassionate and kind, and wants to be a good mother. That’s half the battle right there. I am thankful that I have a mother-i-law that I can talk with and that is honest and open about her experiences and her life so that I may learn from it. God is so good and I have been emensely blessed in everything that I have and all the “mother’s” that I have ever met or will meet. We are rare and wonderful and God made us strong and good in HIS image.

Have a blessed day!


My sister let me know yesterday that one of the girls that she went to high school with had disappeared. There wasn’t a lot of information and there still isn’t. But apperantly sometime last night her husband admitted to accidentally shooting her and then dumping her body by a river where they live. This has really rocked my little world.

First, I didn’t know her personally, but I know some of her family members and our community is pretty small considering, and therefore things like this shake up the whole. Please be in prayer for the family of Micah Rine Pate, and also for the Pate family. I’m sure that whatever the curcumstances are this is a shock for them also.

I find it hard to believe that you can accidentally shoot someone and then dump their body, then call the police and report that person missing and it all be that easy to explain. I do not know this person or anything about him. But I don’t understand the mentality of trying to cover up an accident, if that is what it was. There are still few details. I can’t even find anything in any of the news reports. So I can only assume that as time goes on more things will come out.

Also I think it is somewhat benficial to have had him come clean and lead the police to her body. At least the families won’t have to live with the unknown. I’m pretty sure that that would be one of the worst things to live with.

My heart is heavy. I know that this world is aweful. That good people make bad mistakes and that God still loves and forgives us. It is hard as a human to believe that there is a way to be saved from something as bad as taking someone else’s life. I don’t know this person and I can not imagine taking someone else’s life, unless my life was in danger. And I am pretty sure that situation would effect my life in ways that I can not even fathom.

God is alknowing and all loving. i know that he  knows my heart and that I am saved through him. That although I fail on a daily basis, and that my sin is no less in His eyes than murder, he is still with me and beside me as I try to find my way closer to him.

I can have real conversations with him. I can be angry or scared. I can pour my heart and everything that I am and love into him and he will take care of me, hold me close, and give me peace. If I will let him.

There’s one last things that has been staying on my heart lately. God does not call us to be timid, but strong and to stand up for what is right and for His honor and glory. I do not always do this. But I know that when my heart is in turmoil and I feel lost that God is there. That when I say to someone….”no, you know what?…that is just wrong…and I won’t let it go” It seems that there are many people that tell me to let it go, or calm down, or back off. That’s not who God made me. He made me with a sense of fairness, the person that sees the people in a way that most people don’t see them. He made me strong, and loud, and opionated, and with insight into life and the people around me. I have often wondered if I am too open-minded and whether God would have me be more like some of the people around me and set in my ways and thoughts.

I still don’t know the answer to that but I do know this. The Bible is living and breathing. It is alive today and there is much we can learn from it. We are to examine what others tell us or teach us and we are to use the Bible to determine what it is that God wants and what His laws are. I have found the more I have ingadged my brain and used the knowledge that I have that there are many things that many people say and talk about that simply are not true, and are not Biblical, at least not in a manor that would have us adhering to rules that God did not set out for us. God wants us to use our brains to seek him, to find him, to love him and honor him with what he made us to be and what He wants for our lives.  I find that the more I seek him and the more I look at some of the issues that I have always been taught and have been grown up knowing that Biblically there are many things that aren’t what I have necessarily always thought. I am on my own in a lot of ways about a lot of these things, partly because a lot of Christians don’t  really examine these things, and people that may not have grown up in the church have what they have heard, what people talk about, and what culturally we are taught and told about God and being a Christian. I find these boxes sad, and wonder why we continue to put God in a box that doesn’t allow us to be truelly blessed and to have our hearts desires fulfilled by him.

I am not perfect by any means, but I believe that God is involved in my life, daily, hourly, by the minute and that he knows my heart, my hopes, and my dreams. He wants to give me the things that I desire and he wants my life to be full and happy. So there are times when I have to allow doors to be closed. When I have to grieve the loss of a person, or friendship, or what might have been and know that God has making my dreams and desires come true and sometimes having those fulfilled means that getting what I think I want may not really be what I want.

Please continue to keep the Rine and Pate families in your thoughts and prayers and allow that God will make this what it is supposed to be and what will bring him the most glory.

Thanks for listening to my big old rant!

Have a blessed day!


It is often easy to forget that sometimes there are no words needed and action will do it 10 times better.  This sounds dumb I’m sure…but I got this from my episode of Grey’s tongiht. I realize that sounds crazy, but if you watch it with the mind-set and an open mind you’d be surprised how stupid, fry your brain shows could possibly help and even show some really awesome things to you. Which brings me back to action….

I have often found that actions both mine and those of others have a much bigger impact than the words we say or the action that we don’t take. I continue to find this over and over. Whether it be in work, families, with children, parents, co-workers, husband, wives, friends. Actions can make or break any situation.

Someone can tell me they love me, but when they DO something for me that love is an actions. That love is feasable, and real, and mudane life, cleaning, doing laundry, or dishes. When someone does something that is “your job”, or your child kisses your head, or your your arm. When your friend remembers an important day or event and calls you or does something special for you. Actions….we DO things all day long. Why not make the things that we do count, make our actions one’s that will leave a smile on someone’s face, make their day brighter, or take something off of their probably already very full plate.

We can do things that make people cry, touch their hearts, and sometimes those actions can change someone’s life forever. You never know what it is going to be, and you never know what little actions can change someone’s life. I love to think about taking actions. I admit that I often fail on my thoughts or intentions. But I am working on that, as I get older I want to do things that are going to make that impact, that will change someone’s life, or make their day better. I want people to remember me, not because I’m great but because of my heart and the way I live my life. I know that they may not always know this…but I get this from God. He created me in a very special way, with a very big, special, loving and forgiving heart. The first time I ever remember being told I had a big heart a counselor at camp told me that I had a heart as big as Texas. It still makes me smile to this day. Sure those words mean something, but it was the hug and the look in her eyes when she said it that really made me feel good.

I will never be like anyone else, I will never be anywhere close. I am in my own catagory, just enough different in so many different ways that it makes me not even close to anyone. There have been one or two that I have met that come close. And there are many people that understand one aspect of me or another. But the way God put me together, I was made to make a difference. Maybe not on everyone but on the lives of those around me and the one’s I come in contact with. I pray that I will always remember that and consciously make my actions one’s that will allow me to make that difference. And I challenge you to find your strengths..whatever they are and take action….share with others and live life. Leave the mark that God made only you to leave on the hearts and lives of those people that are around you.

Thanks for listening.

Have a blessed day!!!!!

Who I am…

I have realized that who I am is someone that most people often find fault with. I know that I am not perfect and that I am not always in the right. It has come to my attention that I over talk people and that I talk to much. Not that talking to much is something new, or that I haven’t done it my whole life. But I have always just assumed that the people in my life that know me and loved me chose to overlook that in me. Plus, according to at least one person the main time that I tend to over talk is when I am saying something or trying to make a point that someone does not want to hear. I realize that this may also be what makes me undesirable, but I refuse to let anyone, especially that the people that I love surrender and stay where they are. I know that sometimes that makes myself and who I am difficult. I have accapted that who I am is so very different, and that where I live I am often very alone. But sometimes I would like to have something else. I have found that when I try to be different than I have always been and than what people know about me. They think there is something wrong with me and that I am not being true to who I am.

It is hard to change, and I am not in any way against change. But I have come to realize that just because someone wants you to change doesn’t necessarily mean that you should or that in the long run life would be better if I do. This is a hard thing to live with and to learn to deal with. It can be very alienating and it can leave me feeling very alone, and by myself a lot of the time. It would be easier to change, to be what people think I should be or want me to be. But I know that in the big picture that would be more wrong than anything. I have things to contribute. I can and have changed people’s lives, and in the end that is what I want my life to be. I want my children to see someone that loves and that learns, changes, and grows. And that cares more about what God wants and strives to find that, even if the effort is sometimes wrong no matter what the cost or how alone I may feel. God is always with me and he will lead me to being the person that he meant for me to be, and he will allow me to have the impact in my life and in this world that he meant for me to have.

THanks for listening

Have a blessed day!

I surrender…..

I am sad tonight….

my step-son….who I hardly know went to prom. I can’ place blame but at this point I just want to know him. And for him to feel welcome at my house..

I don’t know if it was his mom’s fault, his dad’s, or mine, or a combination…but it hurts….

and then there are friends that don’t even know what they do for me…

my husband he often doesn’t understand…

I am as tormented as he is…..

well…I’m not sure how else to explain….

but I know that it hurts and I wish and pray and hope that someday I will or God will or we will have the capacity to change things….


have a blessed day

Help…teach me about gossip

Ok so it has come to my attention that I may be wrong about my definition of gossip. Although I admit that I don’t htink so. My understanding of gossip is that you are talking about a person that isn’t present and bad mouthing them, or saying things that would bring that person down or hurt them.

Well, my problem has always been that sometimes the truth hurts, does that mean that when someone says something that is true, but it hurts someone that it is gossip. I don’t believe so. I have always tried to live and talk in a way that the basic guideline is that if I wouldn’t say it to someone’s face I shouldn’t say it to a third party. And you should always go to the source of information. For instance, if you tell me that John said ” bla, bla, bla” about Tim. And you don’t think it’s true, you go to Tim and ask him. Then leave it there. You don’t have to be the back and forth person between the two and whatever they choose to do with the information is for them to do.

It irritates me when people use gossip as an excuse to be ignorant, or a reason not to find out the truth about a situation. As far as I know there isn’t anything that says I’m not allowed to talk about other people ever. It just says that I shoul dbe careful what I say, it’s not my place to spread other people’s issues around, and if you have something to say you should be saying it to the person first before you talk to anyone else. I’m not sure that makes a lot of sense. But a situation has come up that really has me looking at this subject again.

I have evaluated and searched my heart more than one time over this issue. I by no means think that I have never gossiped or that there is a line that can be easily cross. But I wonder if people don’t hide behind gossip as a way not to get involved and a way to believe things that are far from truth about the people in our lives. I also think you really have to examine what people say, sometimes it may sound worse than it really is. Or a person can be saying something that you over look because you are over whelmed by your own feelings.

I don’t know the answers, but I do know this. I am basically a very blunt, open, and honest person. I have learned to try to word what I have to say in a nicer way, or in a way that will be recieved better by others. But it’s who I am. I feel that if I continue to allow someone to live in delusion or falsehood that I am doing them a disservice and I am failing in my purpose here on earth. Maybe that sounds like a crazy purpose, but the older I get the more I realize that having the ability to see the truth and voice it, for the most part, without breaking someone’s spirit truelly is a gift. I don’t always like to hear the truth myself, but in the end I know what is true, and I know when someone is right.

For this reason I love my husband. Soemtimes I find myself wishing that I got more of the clieche things like, oh I’m so sorry you have a little cut, or …sorry got some news and my thoughts are all jacked up now…..more later

A busy time….

Well, last week is over. My daughter’s wedding was Saturday…it was beautiful. They are so excited to be married and to having their son in August. I’m excited that I’m going to be a grandma….LOL. And Lily is excited that her sister is having a baby. She loves to be around her and spend time with her. She loves to touch the belly and talk to the baby. It is so cute! It went amazingly smoothly, and Jessica’s Mom did a really good job with the wedding.

Yes, she is my step-daughter. I have spent lots of time trying to figure out what to call her. I’m really not old enough to be her Mom, but I feel the same way as I do about my own. It’s been a tough road but I am hoping that we are on a path now that will lead to being close, or at least closer, and that we can all spend time together over the next months and years.

Anyway, she made the tough decision not to have someone there that means a lot to her, because of the potential problems it may have caused. Ultimately her Dad and I were blamed for the decision and that was something that was difficult to handle. I have come to realize that there are people that it is impossible to deal with. That no matter what you do, how nice you are, or what your heart is there is nothing you can do.

This has been a hard lesson for me. People who are important to me I don’t want to hate me, or not like me. Or at least be able to be civil with me. There are times and people that this is just impossible to have happen. I guess the reason why it bothers me is because that’s not my heart. I’m sure there are times when I don’t do the right thing, or don’t do what I need to do. But, it’s not on purpose I don’t intentionally set out to hurt people and make things worse. I hope that the people that do know me, and that I am close to know that and believe it.

That I don’t intend to hurt people. That I have a good heart and I only want good things. I don’t always know how to fix things or how to make them better. But I want to live and love and spend the time that we have on this earth being what God wants us to be and trying to share and give his love to everyone that we come in contact with. I know that that is not always what happens and that I fail, but that is what I want in my heart and there is nothing greater that I would rather have.

I have realized…..

I have come to realize that I sometimes over re-act. Well, maybe not but I often jump the gun on being upset or too worried about things. My life has ceased to have very much drama in it. The occasional arguement or fight with my husband, which seems to be mostly because life is boring and I need to fight from time to time. LOL…that’s probably not very funny, but it’s true. However, every once in a while there are things that happen that upset the balance. Many of you know I have 7 kids, 4 step-children. This is often hardre than I ever imagined it could be. My oldest daughter is getting married next saturday, I am so excited and I can’t wait to watch her Dad walk her down the isle.

Unfortunately, it’s been over a year since we saw the other 3 kids, and it makes things hard. I mean what do you do. I’m not sure what is true and what’s a lie anymore. And all I do know is that their mother says they hate me, and obviously isn’t interested in helping the situation instead of making it worse. Honestly, I don’t think I have done anything to make them hate me. I mean they have hardly been around enough for me to do much of anything. Now I’m sure at some point I may have done something that they didn’t like, but it would have had to have been at least 3 years ago because they haven’t been around since then.

That hurts me, but more than that I struggle for those kids.  I know that the only thing I can do is pray that someday those kids seek us out, or at least their Dad. And listen when they hear the answers that they search for. I in no way think that no one is blameless in this situation. However, you can’t imagine the place that my husband and I have been put in. Actually, at one time I probably would have blamed him, but he really is in a position that he has very little control over anything. And he hasn’t since they got divorced.

Personally, I really struggle with this. I know that I’m not perfect and that blended families bring issues, and often it takes years for everyone to feel welcome and find a family dynamic that works for all involved. And sometimes it’s just a matter of being civil. I’m not against any of that. I just feel like I/we have been cheated and that instead of allowing as many people as possible love her children…only her and her friends are the ones “good” enough to love them and be there for them. It makes me sad, and I wonder why things have to be this way.

I know that God is probably teaching and testing me in this and I am trying to keep doing what he would do and what he would want me to do. It’s hard to know what that is, and I have a hard time thinking that he would have me just ignore the situation and go on with my life.

So I go on with my life, I reach out from time to time and hope and pray that when the oppurtunity comes there will be open hearts, at least on the part of the kids. I don’t stop praying that God will soften the ex-wife’s heart and allow her to see that we love them. And that even if the past hasn’t been great the future could be if we would work together, and love the kids, and try to show them some things.

I guess that’s it for now just needed to talk somethings out, and release some tension.

THnaks for reading….have a blessed day

where do I go….

So I’ve been contemplating what I need to do with my life…what my gifts are and what God would want me to do. I go back to work part time as a manager on Sunday…well I start training. I’m excited about it in a way. A place to got to just get away from everything.

But I can’t see myself doing it full time anymore….I got my goal I had an offer to have my own store at 27 and that’s pretty good in the world of food service. And since I finally go the offer that I wanted I don’t seem to have much desire anymore to continue doing that. However, my problem is that I have three young children still, 2 of which aren’t in school yet. So I have to be available for them when/if they need me. And the fact that I’m a good manager means that it’s one of the best jobs to have to be able to get the time off I need for my children. Or when they get sick to get out of work without worrying about losing points or whatever.

So I’ve been trying to think if there are any other ways for me to at least make a little bit of money. I recently started cross stitching again…I did it when I was little. I have realized that it is not as easy as it looks and that it is time consuming, but also that there are many cool designs and that you have to have the patience to sit and complete a project. So I’ve been thinking about framing some of the ones I have done and trying to sell the finished product either framed or not on e-bay. But that’s a big decision and also has the oppurtunity to become a big fat failure.  That scares me. I would love nothing more than tostart selling some things and to slowly add more things to what I have to sell and build my own kind of business through this wonderful thing we call the internet. Where I can be at my house I can clean and cook, and go to doctor’s and dentists, and I can spend probably more than 40 hours a week doing things that I really enjoy doing. I just think that this would be so awesome!!!!

I’ve also thought off and on about writing a book. I have recently found that 2 of the people I knew in high school have written books and had them published, so I’m thinking well it can’t be that hard. My problem is that I need some help. I can write, I can reach out with my words and touch people and leave an impact. But I’m not good with grammar, and making thoughts flow into other thoughts and those kinds of things so I need someone that can read what I right and help me get it into the correct format for a book. But….I don’t really know anyone that can do that…so I’m kind of stuck there too.

I guess I need to start doing some serious praying and jump off a cliff or two to see what happens and to see what God does with my life, my dreams, and my desires.

THanks for listening to ponder.

Have a blessed day!!!


So my thoughts are flying around tonight. My husband used to tell me that he didn’t let himself get sad because all the bad stuff was in one part of his brain and if he let any part out it all came out. I never understood that. But I think I’m starting to …the older I get the more I realize that when something makes me sad I often start thinking about all the other things that make me sad. Unresolved issues, hurts that have been done to me, or just hurts. Sometimes it’s no one’s fault but we hurt just the same.

However, it doesn’t take long for me to realize that there is no point in stopping to review those things. All things happen for a reason and even the seemingly bad things often turn out better than we thought they would. And if they don’t than maybe whatever that situation was is better off being left in the past along with the pain that is caused.

So many crazy things are happening right now. I think I have been sent into a tale spin from all the things that are coming up and all the things that I’m going to be doing. The next few months are going to be crazy. And I’m not sure what all they are going to bring, but there could be many changes to come.

I’m excited to be here and to see what happens. To find a balance and hopefully help make things better and easier for our family and also to continue to be the wife and mother that I have been.

Never know what’s going to happen and I’m praying that God will help me figure out what it is that I need to do, when to say no, and how and why and what I need to change. I’ll try to get back on here more often…I have a hard time sometimes finding the inspiration to write. I can doit anytime…but when I am truelly inspired it means moe to me and seems to mean more to others.

I hope that everyone had a blessed day and that God shows you the way to His heart and a peaceful life here on earth.


I figured if I titled this medication people would either be interested or not. This is what I have to say I have been on prozac off and on for more than 10 years. I probably should have been on it the whole time. But this is not something that is easy to come to terms with or face head on….especially for someone that is a control freak in a lot of ways.

I didn’t grow up in a bad home, or a bad situation. Other than a shady incident or two there really isn’t a whole lot of reasons for me to be depressed, sad, angry. I was a really pretty angry young lady. I didn’t get in fights or anything, but I was pretty mean, and I know how to use words to really strike and hurt people. I did a lot of that especially with people at my church and in my youth group. I was blamed for a lot of things. Or that’s the way it felt at the time, and in a lot of ways even looking back it feels that way. I just wanted to be heard and not treated like I was 5. Many of my views now are the same views I had then. Although I will admit I have learned to keep my mouth shut because so many people don’t agree with me. Sorry…off subject.

First, I want to say that I was diagnosed with depression by a pychologist not my premary care, or my ob, or anyone else. She was licensed and it was her job to figure out how to help me, and IF I even was depressed in the first place. That may sound strange, but in many cases I don’t think that general practice docter’s are qualified to diagnose depression, and definately on a long term basis.

Our minds are funny things and they are so conplex that one rule doesn’t necessarily apply from one person to the next. It’s a very personal one on one diagnosis. Second, you can be depressed because of a situation or things going on in your life and the lives of those around you. Depression is chemical. In your brain….not enough positive chemicals to even out the bad chemicals. I know that isn’t exactly scientific….but it’s in plain english. So maybe you can understand it. And I’m not a docter…..so ya take what I say with a grain of salt. I don’t know everything….but I know that I was 17 when I was diagnosed with depression and I have been dealing with it ever since. It has changed and evolved  and often looked just a little different than it did before. But it has always been there. It doesn’t go away, and even when it’s not as bad it always comes back no matter what is going on in my life.

I’m not really sure why I am sharing this except that I recently had to accept the fact that the dosage I was on obviously wasn’t working anymore. Now I wasn’t on a very large dose to begin with, so it’s not like I really am going crazy or something. But it makes me wonder what is wrong with me once again. My husband just got home from Iraq, he’s safe and although having to adjust we are here and we love each other and isn’t that a happy thing.

Well, I don’t know. I do know this. I don’t believe in passing out medicine for just anything and I don’t believe that having depression is a valid excuse for our actions. I am responsible for what I do, and I will be held accountable by God no matter what is wrong with me….whether there really is anything or not. But I also know this if I know the medicine helps me then I believe it’s my responsibility to take and too keep taking it. God wants me to be the best that I can be so if that means every 10 years I’m going to have to up the dosage on my medicine then I better do that.

The last thing I want to say is to clarify what I mean. This isn’t a cop out or an excuse. I have spent A LOT of time trying to tell myself that I can change my thoughts or my actions. Then I watch myself do the same things. For instance, I tell myself I’m not going to yell and it’s not that I don’t have self control it’s that I’m doing it before I realize I’m doing it. It’s a reaction…a chemical reaction in my body. This is one of the most difficult things to explain. Mostly I just want people to be careful, don’t be so easy to jump on the medication/ depression band wagon. It presents it’s own problems. But also don’t be afraid to talk about it. Also if you love someone that thinks they are depressed, or takes medication, or is hurting, there’s only a few select ways to help them. Be nice, be supportive, and let them come to terms on their own. It may take a long time, but if you try to force it they are just going to be angry and resent you. It’s not as easy as it sounds to just act different or change. It seems that way, and truthfully we can often look at a situation and say the same thing. “This is so stupid why can’t I do this, I don’t want to do this anymore, I want to change, but everytime the same situation comes up I react the same way.” Normally, it’s not every situation it’s just certain things, and usually the same general circumstances surround whatever is going on.

I just ask and pray that you will be patient. Be smart and realize there are people out there like you that understand and that truelly do feel better and struggle less when taking a medication.

Thanks for reading. Have a blessed day!

I’m at a loss…..

I’m not sure what I am right now. I think I am a cross between sad, happy, and lost. I spent a good bit of time tonight talking to a women…a new friend…that lost her son in January. I can’t imagine tha pain. But oh my goodness has she handled it with dignity and not only that but she has thought about his brother’s in the military and what they meant to him. This woman is amazing! I have learned a lot from her in just the few times I have seen her and that we have chatted. I hope that should devestation ever come my way that I will handle it in the way that she has. I stand in awe of her and what she has done and what GOd is doing through her and for her through this time. It seems that God is all over and throughout this tragedy and I look at it and I can just see what he has done. It goes back to have you ever seen God….well, I have and I continue to see him through out the things that happen the the situation that occur in this live. I am thankful for a GOd that is loving and present in everything in all of our lives. and I love watching what he does in my life as well as in the lives of those around me no matter where they stand in their relationship with him. WE truelly serve a good righteous and faith God.

THanks for reading ……have a blessed day!!!!!!!!!

To watch God

Have you ever stepped back and looked around you. Looked at the big picture……it’s hard to do sometimes….and then sometimes it seems so easy to find.

There’s this book called the Shack….I haven’t read it personally mostly because through people talking a get the jist of it. God is real!!!! He’s there he wants a real relationship with us. Not one where He is a far off being or what we think of or see in our heads. But one where he is with us, and loves us, and is our friend. Everything that we can possibly need.

So apparently this book is really good. I have no doubt about that. I actually think my sister has it and I am going to borrow it. Just to read it. But I bring this up because one of my good friends read this book last week. And it has open something in her. I am so excited for her…..I can see her find what GOd has to offer her. She wants a relationship with him that isn’t just based on going to church. That fulfills her and sustains her. That doesn’t put God in a box but allows him to do His work, even when it is painful or we don’t understand it.

I love to watch GOd work around me. I can see all different and varying walks and places where peoples spiritual lives are and where they are going. Did you know that you can watch God?…..you just have to step back. There are amazing things in his plan, even for our everyday boring lives. I’ve been thinking that docters, police, fire fighters, and many others leave a mark on the world. They save lives. What do I do???? I am an awesome waitress. I give good fast service and most of the time I can do it with a smile no matter what is going on. I can run a store and train people. I can talk to anyone about just about anything. I love my children and my family. I love my husband and I am learning patience through him. But what am I really doing?

I don’t know the answer to that. But I guess that’s because only God knows his plan for me. Maybe I have already succedded in at least part of his plan. Maybe what I am doing now is setting up the chance to do the greatest thing he has planned. And in the end fulfilling God’s plan is more important than all the other things I could be doing in this world.

If you watch and pay attention, you can see God. It will overwhelm you. It will leave you speechless and usually smiling, even if the circumstances are difficult. I don’t know how or why….but do you know how God saved me???? He gave me Justin, my son, out of wedlock, a single mother. It changed my life. It continues to be a work in progress, but I know where my life was going before him. And I was old enough that my life would have stayed that course for a long time. Having my son made me slow down, made me look inside myself, made me find who I was, what I wanted, and what was important to me.

Can you see God in your life? In the life of those around you? Can you see Him even when others don’t or aren’t paying attention? I can. I see Him all the time. I watch Him touch the life of those around me. Just because they may not see it doesn’t mean it’s not God. I love to watch it. It makes me smile. It makes my heart happy. Finding a personal relationship with God is amazing. It’s not what we think it is….for those of us that grew up in the church….it’s so much more nad finding that and living that is the most amazing thing that GOd offers us. We get to know Him, and love Him, and He loves us.

Have a blessed day! Thanks for reading!!!!

It’s weird!!!

Ok…so after having my husband home for 2 and a half months he went back to work this morning. I think over all it’s a good thing. But it’s going to be another adjustment or the kids. I’m thankful that he will be home at the end of everyday and that hopefully it won’t take long before we are at least somewhat back to normal. I am so excited about my daughter getting married next month. She’s a little stressed because her Mom told her she wasn’t going to let her get married at the court house, and there are many issues that come with trying to have a wedding and having ex wives and husband’s invited to the wedding. Not to mention current wives and families. Add to that that she’s almost 5 months pregnant and you get some pretty stressful times. I wish there was something that I could do for her. It’s supposed to be her day, it’s supposed to be about her and what she wants and having her “whole” family there to celebrate with her. I am hoping and praying that things will be nice and go good for her. She deserves to have this. The people that she loves in one place, not fighting, and not thinking about themselves but thinking about her. There are a lot of things that are going to have to fall into place for that to happen. But I am hopeful that it will be a happy day that she will always remember and have a special place or in her heart. I will spend the next month praying that things go well…that there is no drama…and that i even just for a few minutes everyone can remember that we are there because we love her and want to share HER day with her. I can’t wait for the baby…it’s going to be fun to hold a baby again. And to find ways to spoil him/her and to give it all the love that deserves. Hopefully, this baby will have love from so many people that no matter what happens his Mom and Dad can make life a little easier for him than it was at least for her…but also for him. I know that they want to be good parents and that they love eachother, if they can just remember that and keep learning and growing I know that they will do great and be wonderful. There will be many prayers sent up over the next months and years, and I am thankul to have a God that can be right there with them, even when I am not so close. It’s going to be so wonderful to see the things that happen and what He does with all of our lives.

Thanks for reading. Have a blessed day!!!!


It’s really weird…my daughter is getting married next month. I am so scared for her. I know that she can handle it and that it’s an amazing thing. But I’m still scared and worried for her. At the same time I look forward to the day that they celebrate their 25th or 50th reunion. It will be so awesome! She is starting her life with him and her new baby due in August and it’s an amazing part of life. I know this is short but my heart is full and heavy tonight at the same time. And I just felt the need to share. Thank you so much for reading and for listening. Have a blessed day!!!!


Well my husband and I and our kids visited a different church than the one we have been going to about a week and a half ago. I was very encouraged. I actually got two phone calls from people inviting us to come back and telling us that if we needed anything to let them know. I thought that that was awesome. It’s not a huge church, like so many of the others in the area, but it is big enough that my kids will have at least a few kids their ages. Which is something that I really want. I don’t necessarily want them to have a bunch of people at the church we go to, but I would like for there to me more than like 2 kids. It’s something that is important to me. I think we are going to keep going to this church for a while. My husband says he doesn’t have the same issues that I have. Which is good in a way because that makes it kind of up to me.

This is an issue I have really been struggling with. It’s been on my heart a lot and it has been to the point that I haven’t wanted to go to church. Not because I don’t think about God or try to live my life to His glory. But because church has become such an institution. I have written about this before….and I have had several conversations about this with some friends. The general consensus has been to just go because you’re suuposed to and the rest will come. I’m still pondering that statement, but my instinct is that is a load of crap.

We are supposed to go and WORSHIP God, not sit there and think about everything but him because we don’t really want to be there. And in this society I am very connected. I speak to a close friend almost daily, and we talk about everything. So if the arguement is fellowship and spending time with people that are like minded. I have that. I realize that this is probably a way to justify. But it truelly is not that I am against church and just don’t want to go. The truth is I want to be able to go to church and say…..my husband just got back from Iraq. We are struggling a little, but he is struggling a lot. He needs prayers and I don’t know what else. He doesn’t even know. And I don’t know how to help them. I don’t want to go to church and smile and say “fine” when asked how I am.

I mean it’s not that life isn’t good. It is…for me. I have my husband home, I have great kids that are smart and getting bigger and becoming awesome people. My daughter is getting married next month and is having a baby in August. I mean these are the things that make life good. But I want my husband to be ok. I want to help him. I don’t know how because I don’t know what he needs. So I am just here. I continue to love him and support him the best way I know how. And I fervently pray for him because that’s all I can do.

But back to my point. I am excited about this church right now. I think it could be a good place to build a home and for us to get involved. I have decided that it’s going to have to be a process and something that we probably have to ease into. It’s going to change all of our lives in a lot of ways, and with everything else I don’t want to push things to much. I continue to talk to my friends and family about the hard issues. I had two such convrsations this weekend. With my grandmother and my Mom. They aren’t easy for many people, but they are part of who I am. They are almost my gift.

It has occured to me that I have the ability to talk about the hard things. To have compassion and understanding and to say things in a way that allows people to come to me and to really talk to me. It bothers me that I haven’t found a way to carry that over to my husband. Maybe it’s because we live together. Maybe it’s because I demand to much. I don’t know, but my new goal is to try to give him what he needs and allow him the time and space to absorb what I say without pushing him. But to give him the information and the oppurtunity to open in his heart in a way that I’m not sure he has in a very long time….if ever.

I am excited about the future. I can see the things that God is doing and I am thankful for all the things he has given me and the answers to me prayers. Even when the answers sometimes come in hard demanding and unknown times. As for church it’s looking good, and I look forward to  finding a home where I can go and have my heart, mind, and soul engadged and rejoicing and worshiping God as it should be. But also a place to lay my heart, my fears, my sin, and my struggles at the feet of Jesus and have him swallow them up.

Thanks for reading…I hope that each of you has a blessed day and that God intimately touches your life today.


So my daughter is getting married in a little over a month. She asked her Dad tonight if he still wanted to walk her down the isle. Well….ya…of course he does. I’m sure that it’s going to be beautiful. She has a lot of planning to do and a lot of things to get together. But she has lots of help and many people that are excited to be helping. I’m happy for her. I’m sure it won’t always be easy, but I know that this is something that she has wanted for a long time, and I know that she is going to be a great wife and mother. She made a decision and now I think she is kind of over-whelmed with all the things that are going on and all the planning that she has to do. But it’s good, it gives her something to do, and it’s giving her a chance to do something for herself. I can’t wait to be there to see her get married and I am so thankful that she is a part of my life. I have learned a lot from knowing her and being around and with her. And I have no doubt that I have more to learn. Most of all I am just thankful that I am going to get the chance to be there and witness her starting her life with her new husband and everything that that means in a girls life.

On another note my husband will be going back to work in about a week. It’s going to be weird after having him here for two months, and it’s going to be a big adjustment for the kids. I’m sure we will be able to handle it and take care of it but it’s going to be a change for us again. Hopefully it will be one of the last really big changes we have to deal with for a while. Not that him and I can’t deal. But the kids have had a hard time and even now when Daddy is gone for a few hours they ask where he is and tell me that he’s taking a long time. So they still have some issues with him being gone for a year. I know they will be ok. I’m just ready to get back to some kind of normal and have things go well.

I took my 5 year old last week for a speech therapy evaluation and he needs help with pronouncing some letters in his words and stuff. But I also found out that he tested of the charts in language comprehension. Like a 12 year old level. That is so awesome. I was so excited about that. I think it is such a blessing when kids start doing testing and learning. It’s nice to know that they are smart, even if you know they are. My 4th grader got to take a test that only a handful of kids get to take each year. It’s like a state standard test or something. But it was really awesome to have proof that he is as smart as we know that he is. Maybe that doesn’t make sense but I love to hear people talk about my kids. That they are smart, but also when they tell me that they are sweet or good kids, or whatever. It makes me feel good and it gives me hope that in some way I am doing something right and my kids will grow up to be awesome people.

I guess that’s about all my news. I could go on and on about some other things, but my mind is still kind of racing about them so I need to get my thoughts together before I try to write about them.

Thanks for reading. Have a blessed day!

So here’s my scary thoughts….

I’ve been thinking about what it must be like to be God. I enjoy watching my children and sometimes laughing at the things that they say and do…and even occasionally the mistakes that they make. I wonder if God does the same things with us. I know that we are here to Praise God and follow Him. I debate non of that, but sometimes I wonder if He was just bored and that’s why he created the world. I mean is there really another point. I don’t know if there is, but that’s one of the things I am excited to ask him about. I wonder if He laughs and gets a kick out of us and our messes sometimes. I wonder if He shakes His head and says well they will learn…I hope.

We have an amazing God and I am so excited about living this life and finding all the amazing things that He has to offer us. Sometimes I try to picture nothing….or what Heaven is like. It’s funny there are things we as Christians argue about that we could never possibly know the answers to. I wonder why we waste so much time and energy on those things.

Just living life is amazing…I’m not saying there isn’t room and shouldnt’ be a place for repentance and contrition. But it’s been about God’s love and His desire to give us what we NEED…not necessarily what we want although what our needs are often surpass what we think we want or need. I have found that when I choose not to put God in a box his power is so much greater. When I choose to ask for more general things….well…..maybe that’s not the way to put it. I’m not really sure. I just know that when I give God the power to do what’s best for everyone, often that turns into something better than what I really wanted to begin with. I’m so excited about that and in the future when I have tough decisions and situations in my life my hope is that I will keep my head and remember not to put him in the box.

I hope that everyone can be encouraged by this. Thanks for reading. Have a blessed day!!!!

Again….I’m a slacker…

Sorry…I made a trip home to Colorado last weekend and it’s a long 16 hour drive one way. So it’s taken a few days to get readjusted. Plus my husband built a room onto our house while we were gone and we’ve been working on getting our house back together. I’m really excited about it. It looks really awesome.

We also went to church last night. I’m still not sure where I stand with everything. But the church we went to I believe has potential and could possibly be ahome for us. Only time will tell, but I have a good feeling. I have to say thank you to my friends that just told me I have to do it.

However, our class last night was interesting….it was about worship and that there has to be truth and spirit in our worship. Spirit being our attitude orr mindset towards God and the worship of him. It was absolutely awesome to me because that’s almost exactly what my struggle has been. And I realized that I haven’t been wrong. My spirit and truth have been pretty good even without attending a regular service. And although they aren’t in person visits…I regularly chat with and talk to friends about God and what he wants for us and our life. And sometimes I think these friends hold me more accoutable than anyone else could because they know me, even if they live in other places. Plus there’s my husband and I hold myself to a higher standard with him. I fail…a lot. But the standard is there.

I was thankful for this lesson. It made me feel good to be at this church, and it made me feel better about my aversion to church at this point. I can still worship God, and I can still love him and have a relationship with him because I have spirit and truth in my worship.

The point was also made that if we are just going through the motions because we know what we are “supposed” to do, that is not what God wants. He wants us to listen to the words of the songs, to listen to the prayers. To be focused and centered on him and not let our minds wander because our actions are what they are supposed to be. Not sure that makes sense, but in essence it is what I have been struggling with.

I don’t like the same old same, I like to get to that deeper level and talk about things that are real. I want people to know that this has been a struggle for me and that I am looking for a place to call home and a family. That that is what I want and that I’m in it for the long haul.

I am honest and I want to share my thoughts and struggles and I want to hear those of others. Because I need help but also because often I have found that by listening to others I find my issue may not be as bad or as abnormal as I thought it was. For instance…I have talked to several people who have seperated in their marriages, and have talked about the fights that they have had, and the extent to which their marriage at one time was really bad. And I have found that my husband and I…for the most part are ok. We have issues of course, and we struggle, but we have never been seperated, never even discussed it. Although in all honesty at one time there was talk about someone leaving. That probably doesn’t make sense, but even in the talk in anger we both stayed and went to bed in the same bed, and got up[ the next morning and started again. It was probably never really going to happen. And we have gotten to where if we aren’t serious about leaving why say it, and for the most part we don’t. There have been moments where we’ve failed and gone back, but we do our best to hold each other accountable for not saying it if we’re not going to follow through. Anyway, that wasn’t the point. I wouldn’t have that perspective if I hadn’t talked to friends and Christian people that have had struggles and figured out how to make things right.


I am encouraged and brought up by these things and while I hurt for their pain, I am thankful that God has put us all together for this purpose. To learn and to share our lives without judgment and with compassion for each other.

Thanks for listening. Have a blessed day!


It seems that the older I get the fewer and fewer answers I know. I’m sure just about everyone says that. But, it’s true.

My husband and I got in an arguement the other day. He’s really hard to read and sometimes it doesn’t even seem like he cares at all. I know that’s not true in my head, and we have kind of found a way of relating and living that works for us. It isn’t necessarily what I would choose but it’s good, and for the most part it probably makes me stronger.

That doesn’t mean that it’s not still hard sometimes. It seems that he finds me annoying. That I talk to much, and ask to many questions. This is probably true, it’s not like no one else has ever told me that before. And honestly I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t want to talk to me. He just kind of wants me to read his mind. Assume that when he answers with a yes or no or maybe that I know what’s going on in his head and his reasoning. You see I like to know the reasons for things. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to be something that he spends a lot of time thinking about. He might know the reasons but often they are not something he can put into words when asked, and then he just gets frustrated. I guess because he thinks that I am second guessing him or that I don’t like his way and want to do things my way. There is nothing that could be further from the truth. I would actually prefer to do things his way, I just want to understand what his way is. I feel like a child when I get told what is going on or what we are doing. If I have the reasoning I can be on board with the decision and even help to make the decision take better effect, if that makes sense.

I love my husband. I wouldn’t trade him. I would choose him again, or rather I choose him now. There is nothing that I want more than to be with him and share my life with him. I want to be able to share my struggles and issues with him. It’s not that I can’t now it’s just that I ponder things a lot more than he does. Or rather I have the need to talk about them more than he does. He figures things out in his head and then makes a decision. Not much need to talk about it. I need to talk, if I don’t talk I make mistakes and do stupid things that I regret. My emotions over load and I can’t make my brain work anymore. I think I do better now than I used to but it’s still something that I have a really hard time with.

I wonder if everyone has these moments. The moment where you stop and say wait a minute is this what I want. I wonder if every couple have moments where they say this isn’t the way I would do it, but can also realize that the method you have come to works as well.  What my husband and I have works. We take care of each other we support each other. We can talk about things and we do when it is necessary. It’s just different from what I would do if it was me. But I realize that this is good. It’s the way it’s probably supposed to be and it’s the way God made it.

I just have to find a way to remind myself of that and embrace it and learn from my husband and let him show me somethings that I probably need to learn. And I need to remember that before I lose my mind and make a mountain out of a mole hill when things get busy and stressful and messed up in our lives.

Thanks for reading

Have a blessed day!


It seems that I have some heart issues to contemplate. I sit here this morning with my daughter watching Little Einsteins. The husband and 5 year old are asleep and the 9 year old plays his game. Although he should still be asleep too, he was up late.

Anyway, it seems that my husband and I have some discussing and serious talking to do. I’ve been avoiding it because he just got home from Iraq and he’s been struggling  in just readjusting to home and not being in a war zone. It’s really kind fo funny. We actually have really good ocmmunication at times, but it seems that we just don’t have to ability to communicate on a regular basis. Well, I don’t know if that’s true. It’s actually very strange, but it’s good in a lot of ways. We have some things to talk about though. I’m not sure that I’m going to want to hear some of the things that he has to say, and I’m fairly certain that there is more than one thing that is my fault. But I want us to be able to have conversations without ruining our day and taht don’t cause us to fight. Wow that probably sounds bad.

I guess I don’t know what I mean. It’s not that we dont’ talk, we do. I love my marriage and my life and my husband. We just tend to avoid things sometimes. Or we each think about and deal with things seperately instead of together and I want to change that. I’m not sure how to do that as he is for the most part a non-talker. He wants answers, easy answers and answers questions with short easy answers. That’s hard for me to accept. I’m working on it, but it’s not the way I am and therefore is difficult for me to get it, I guess.

And since I have completely wasted time and space doing this and really said nothing. I will go. Maybe I will email my husband and tell him some of my thoughts.

Thanks for reading.

Have a blessed day!

Can’t explain….

I can’t tell you what it feels like to have my husband home after being gone for so long.

We sit here and we watch tv ot play on the computer and it feels good. I know he’s here and I know he’s safe. We go to bed together. There is nothing like that. I don’t know about others but I took that for granted. That no matter what we would go to bed together. We have the rule….the bed is neutral…..even if we are mad or fighting the bed is neutral. We go to bed together every night….and have for 6 years. Unless one of us physically isn’t here….on vacation, in Iraq, on an over night meeting…we go to bed together. I believe in this…I believe everyone should do this. It teaches you to love, even when you don’t want to. Even when you don’t feel like it. It is love!

I am so thankful for a husband that understands that supports it, and wants that as much as I do.

I’m so glad he’s here, i’m so glad he’s home. I wouldn’t trade this feeling for anything, any money, ANYTHING!!!!!

thanks for listening….

have a blessed day!!!!!

God, Church, Learning

So I’ve been thinking a lot about God and teaching my children about him. That I want them to know what I know and that I want the Bible to be something that they love and enjoy and want to know about. I’ve also been thinking about going to church. I guess there are probably good excuses in my head for reasons why we don’t go. But the truth is I just don’t want to and I don’t believe that I am getting out of it what God created it to be.

I understand all the arguements and that God told us to fellowship and be with Christians and people that share our beliefs. I believe that’s true. I think he wants those things for us. My problem is that there are few people that share my thoughts and there are even fewer people that are as open as I am. This poses a few problems for me.

#1 I want my children to think for themselves and look to the Bible, not just believe what someone at church says is true because they are supposed to know more.

#2 It’s hard for me to sit in a pew and hear someone make a salvation issue out of something that isn’t a salvation issue. And in essence condemn me because I don’t agree. ( In defense they don’t actually condemn me…but if you are saying you believe using instruments in church is wrong and I disagree…in essence aren’t you condemning me.

#3 I’m not sure the God that is talked about at church is the God that I want my children to know.    I have no doubt that the people at church, or some of them, know the God that I know and are as on fire as I am in their hearts. But I guess I just don’t see that very much.

When you sit in a class and get excited or blown away by something God has to say and everyone else just sits there, because what???? it’s the way we are supposed to behave. That’s hard for me. I’m not saying everyone should be like me…I’m a little over the top, I know that. But still shouldn’t I be able to be on fire for God, in whatever form that might be, and not worry about what people think or how they are looking at me.

Maybe that’s my problem. And maybe it’s because at a young age I had people trying to put out my fire..whenever they could. Granted my fire isn’t always as good as it can be, but I can learn to control it, and I can learn to use it in a good way. It doesn’t have to be suppressed or push away.

I love God. I love my children and my husband and my family. Sometimes I cry just because I love them. Most of the time I smile just thinking about them, and how much I love them. I get excited when I think of doing fun things. I like to wrestle with my kids on the florr and see them laugh. I love talking to my three year old daughter that has two boyfriends…LOL…who also happen to be 20 years older than her. When her Daddy told her O’bryan couldn’t be her boyfriend anymore and she started crying it made me cry.

She talks to me about God. She told me one time God didn’t love her. Of course she was wrong, but she has to be given the option and room to make those statements without judgement. And of course she’s 3 so the next day God loved her again. But we talk about him. In real terms, in relation to real life. Not abstract, not a person that was here a long time ago in the Bible. We pray every night and sometimes she prays for crazy things. But isn’t that what God calls us to do….be like children, love him like the children do. And isn’t it just possible that that means we thank God for our toys, and pray for our baby dolls, and for Mommy’s that share our head bands and wear them.

Somewhere we get lost and forget that God wants to be excited for us. He wants us to thank him for even the littlest of things. He wants to share in our lives, like a best friend, or a husband, or child would. He wants to give us what we want and need, and he wants us to be happy. We can do that dispite the fallen part of this world. We can have things and enjoy life here with God’s blessing, and as long as we know and long to go home to him.

There are many things about this world that I enjoy. The thought of leaving my husband and my children if I die today is a hard thought to have, but in the end I know I’m going to Heaven and I want to be there. And I pray that if I die today I have done my job in getting those that I love the most closer to Heaven and that I will see them again. And I trust that if for some reason that doesn’t happen that Heaven is a place of no tears and I won’t feel the pain of knowing that someone I love didn’t choose to live a life that would have them be in Heaven with me.

That’s a little blunt and out there. But it’s what I think and it what helps put my heart at peace. God has this people…he doesn’t need our help and He alone is in control.

Which leads me to this….

It’s no one’s job but mine to teach my children. I’m still thinking about church…no decisions yet. Probably won’t have one soon. But while I’m thinking about it. I’m going to pull out my kids children’s Bible and probably go buy another one and get some papers and stuff from the Bible store, and we are going to read from God’s word and have Bible studies in our home regularly, if not everyday. They want to learn and it’s not the Bible class teacher’s job to teach my kids about God. It’s my job and if I want my kids to know God the way I know him and love him in a way that will change there lives I have to teach it to them. And help them work through and talk and think about and come to the place of peace by themselves. I can’t give it to them no matter how much I take them to church. But I can be a mother that helps them, and teaches them, and listens, and shows them. And then I can let God have them and trust that he will put on their hearts what I already know.

Thanks for reading!

Have a blessed day!

It’s been awhile…I guess my inspiration has returned

Hey all!

Well, it’s been a long while. Mostly because when my husband got home I kind of forgot….well not really just didn’t have a lot to say except that I’m so glad he is home.

So here’s what’s been going on. My step-daughter is still pregnant, almost 12 weeks. She has been down three times since her Dad got home and all of the visits have been pretty good. I know that it may never be perfect, but maybe she is starting to see me. Who knows but I’m thankful for the time together, and the oppurtunity to be a grandma, even if I am young.

It has been hard for my husband since he has been home. Things are the same but different. I don’t understand all of it, but his friends do and he’s trying to figure it all out and get adjusted.

A little more than a week ago one of my husband’s buddies that was with him in Iraq died suddenly from what we believe was an accidental overdose. It sent shock waves through their unit and my husband’s group of close friends. It was sad to watch them. But it was also amazing because…..they are a family. Only it doesn’t even seem like that….it seems there’s not a word for what their relationship is. It means so much more than what a lot of families have.

I am so encredibly thankful for these men and for their ability to pull together and take care of each other in a serious and sad situation. Something that I believe most of us….even if we have dealt with death have the ability to do.


I’ve been doing a lot more thinking lately. And trying to figure out what I want and what everything means to me.  It seems so simple and nice. It seems like things are good and no matter what happens I will be able to deal with it in a way I have never been able to deal with it before. I don’t know what has happened. But I’m not plagued and torchured by my thoughts and the circumstances in my life that I have no control over. I know that God has them in his hands….and more than that I think that for the first time I truelly believe that and am focused on the fact that in the end…..most of this stuff isn’t going to matter. I need to get to heaven and I need to take as many people as I can with me. I can only do that by keeping my heart on him, and by allowing him to use me when I can do the most good for Him. And if that person isn’t me in some situations then I have to trust that He will put someone in my loved ones life that will be able to bring Him that glory. I’m not sure that makes sense….but it does in my head…LOL

Anyway, I’m going to try to write more again. I have gotten back on my deep thought process. And I like having the options to get it out. And maybe even through my rambling help soemone else that may need uplifting or encouragement or just to know that God is there and He is love. He takes care of His family and those that love him in a way that a lot of people don’t understand or look for.

I wrote this yesterday….thought someone might enjoy it…


Things in my life are really rather good right now…..
Last week Chad got paid his travel pay for the military….and all of his friends haven’t gotten it yet….
is that God with us???
I belive it is????
They all filed out the paper work at the same time…..
we got the money now..
they didn’t…..
I’m not the judge…
all I know is that for us…..it’s God’s gift

I am far from perfect…and I fail regularly…but God had shown His love to us….to me…to Chad

We have been blessed……I can’t be God….
but I belive that it’s because we are both after God

we aren’t in the same place with it…..but our hearts are after God……

I’m scared……I want my kids to know God…but more than the stories and the RIGHT answers I want them to KNOW him…….
I know God….I believe in Him and I know that HE has the power…….
I love God…I know Him…I believe my kids will know Him if that’s what I teach them……..

God is LOVE…..God is LIFE……and it’s about finding that in your heart in your life……..

No one can do it for you…..
God has blessed me…… and I can’t wait to have the oppurtunity to share that with someone else….

no matter what else is going on in their life….

God is love

God is life

God makes the differnece…….

In Jesus Name I Pray


Thanks for reading…have a blessed day!!!!!

My Husband Should Be On His Way…

Home…that is. I’m not really sure what time he was supposed to be leaving. But he was in Kuwait last night when I talked to him and they are 9 hours ahead of us there. So hopefully he is on a plane headed to Germany or somewhere and then onto the United States. I don’t expect to here from him until tomorrow evening when he CALLS me. Yes that’s right calls me from a real phone…his cell phone…Yay! This is very exciting! I am hoping that I won’t hear from him, if I do that’s probably bad news. Something happend and they didn’t fly out like they were supposed to. My husband likes to laugh at me because I keep talking about how I’m having a hard time waiting. And he’s been sleeping on a cot for three weeks, and showers with other guys and there are always people around and in his space. Yes, I get this it sucks for him. I know that. I also think it sucks for me. I’m sitting here, and we got ice last night. So I have three kids home today instead of two, and no where to go because I refuse to drive on the ice. 

Not that I can’t….I grew up and learned to drive in Colorado. I know how to drive on snow and ice. However, most of the people down here don’t and therefore the roads are a dangerous place.

Anyway, so I’m bored and I am running out of things to do. My house is clean and basically ready for him to get here. I have 3 and a half days to fill and two loads of laundry to put away and one load of dishes that will need to be done. But other than that we’re basically good to go. So I sit here bored while he is at least doing something. Maybe not what he would like to be doing…but still something. Or waiting to do something, like fly home. That’s exciting and he’s moving towards being home, and I’m still sitting here waiting for him to get home, and get done so I can go get him.

Ya this is me rambling. It has been the longest probably three weeks of my life. This whole year has been long, but the last three weeks to month have just been bad. Even though the time has gone by and we’re now at the end, it still seems to be moving exponiantially slow and like it has taken forever to get her. 

I am so thankful for everything that I have been given. I hope for good things, and I pray that time will start to heal some of the hurts that our family has had. My step-daughter is now speaking to me again…well sort of. But it’s a step in the right direction, I hope. And she told me her baby is due in August. She’s excited and I hope that she will be able to carry this baby, and learn what it’s like to truelly be a mother and to have that bond. It could go a long way. I continue to pray for good things and for healed hearts and I hope that’s what God is going to grant for us. I have faith that it will work out for whatever he has planned, and I hope that I have the insight to try to see the good in his plan instead of my selfish wants and desires.

Thanks for listening! Have a blessed day!

Today is my Birthday……

And ya I’m getting old. Well so my best friend called last night to tell me. We’ve been friends for fifteen years. I have friends that I have had for 25 years…..talk about things that make you feel old. Well, I guess that’s ok. I have three kids and one is almost 10 so I’m getting used to the old thing. But I have a built in make you feel better. My husband is 40, yep you heard me right…..12 years older than me. It’s kind of good that no matter how old I get I will always feel young. I love facebook….I have had many friends send me Birthday Wishes that I never would have gotten if not for it. I thin it’s awesome. And I have sent many birthday wishes that I wouldn’t have even known about, and that’s a good thing. It’s one of the best things to be told Happy Birthday. Here’s the kicker….last year my husband was training to go to Iraq on my birthday, this year he is still in Iraq. But……guess what?
Yep..you guessed it. He forgot to tell me Happy Birthday! Not that he forgot my birthday, just forgot to tell me. In his defense he said he’s sick this year and had bought some medicine and probably passed out after he took it. But still I mean come on….
It’s ok I will forgive him. It’s not like there’s a lot going on today that’s not what I have done every other day for the last month. Pick up a kid from school…stay around the house taking care of the kids. Eventually go to bed and probably just lay there because I can’t get to sleep. Which really sucks. I am not usually a person that has trouble with sleep. I mean I love sleep. Getting in the bed is my favorite thing to do….getting out is my least favorite…especially in winter. But just laying there really sucks. I can’t get comfortable, and then I get almost asleep and hear a noise. I’m laying there at the minimum for an hour, but most of the time it’s more like 2 to 3 hours. It really sucks. I guess I’m ready for my husband to get home. I have a lot of adreniline thinking about it and being excited and no matter what time I finally get in bed I still just lay there.
On the plus side everyday when I get up we are one day closer, and I can’t wait. There will be hopefully several weeks before my husband goes back to work and that will be good time for both of us to recover and catch up and just be together.
Anyway, thanks for listening. Have a blessed day!

This Made Me Think….

and wonder if it was true. I read a blog that stated that women in America basically emasculate men by making fun of them in public to the point that the husband gets mad and walks away, or makes a rude comment. I found myself thinking about this and wondering if it is something that I do in my life.
I’m sure that I have been guilty of this, however I think there are also times when this is just truth. There are things about men and women that are just funny. That basically across the board men and women do. We are different…and finding humor in that is better in my eyes than being angry or trying to make someone more like ourselves.
There are times that we can cross the line, where we don’t talk openly about things and I think this is were the problem comes in. As a culture we are trying to make men into something that God did not intend for them to be.
I am a firm believer that women are not invaluable and have a “lower” place than what men have in God’s eyes. But I also thinks there’s reason why men are to be the leaders, of the church and of the family.
Do I think this means women can’t lead?
Absolutely not!!! I was a born leader. I am smart and I know God and I have a relationship with him that I believe is valid and that deserves the right to be shared. Not only with women but with men too.
I have to believe that there is a reason that God made man to be the leaders. The older I get the more I think that it’s for their ability to be logical, and to seperate themselves from a given situation. It’s like their brains are compartmentalized, and they can put bad things in one area and they are not so effected by them. Does that mean they don’t have feelings? I don’t believe so, I believe it means that they can think easier without feelings.
Of course I speak in generalities. This is not the case for every women or every man. And that’s ok too.
I like the show Wife Swap..ya ya I know…let’s move on. Recently I watched a rerun where there was a great debate about a man being the one who stayed home with the kids and did house work(by his choice). I found myself wondering about that. I don’t think that it says in the Bible the man must go out and make the money. And I wonder if it truelly does make him less of a leader to stay at home.
I realize that for the most part, in our culture and society, that our answer is yes. But I’m not talking about what culture says. I’m talking about what God thinks. In the end isn’t He what matters anyway.
I have a great respect for a man that stays at home. I think it is possible to do this and still lead your family. Still be the head of the household and lead your family towards a better relationship with God. We have gotten to the point where society tries to say that men and women are equal.
I agree with that to a point. I agree that men and women can do the same things, and many people can do many things better than other, male or female. But, we have young men that take no responsibility for their families, their lives, much less their children, and I wonder if that’s not because we’ve taught them, as a society, that they really aren’t necessary for the world to keep spinning. I find this very sad.
If you have ever been around children much you can see this. I can spend my days trying to discipline my children and often I just end up fighting with them. My husband can come home and say four or five words and the kids scatter, or they stop talking, or whatever, and he doesn’t even have to yell. I believe it’s something in the man’s voice. Something about the male voice puts a fear in children. Not necessarily a fear of being hurt, but they don’t want to disappoint or let down the male figures in their lives. My Dad for example…he’s kind of big and scary. But on the rare occsion he gets onto my kids, they cry and get scared and it really impacts them. In a way that I never am able to scare them. I’m the Mommy, I’m the nurturer and the lover, even when they know I’m serious it’s still not the same as that male role model.
I have been around a lot of young men. There are many good ones, many that want to do the right thing. Simply don’t know how and we have backed our men, our husbands into such a corner that their impact doesn’t go as far as it once did. Sometimes there is an element of just do what your told. But most likely it’s not out of being inferior(as a women) it’s about it being the right logical decision that we are so often not able to make. I go with my heart.
Nine times out of ten if you ask why I did this or that, it’s because my heart said so. As I get older I am trying to use my brain more, but my heart still wins out. It is a gift something that was given to me, and something that I can not deny or supress. I have tried, it just makes me myserable. So I am trying to learn that there are times when I just need to listen to my husband and do what he thinks we should do. Not because he is better than me, but because he is using his head. It also goes the other way. We make our men feel like we are treating them like children.
If we want them to trust us and take what we say seriously, then we have to give them the space to prove to them that we don’t see them as children and that they can trust our instincts on things.
We have to give them room to be the leader and try to help them get there. There is a sense of satisfaction when you can stand back and say I had a hand in that situation. He trusted me and we’re the better for it. Plus, your children get to see their father shine. They get to see him stand up and do the right thing. They get to see you working together as a team. I believe this is so important.
Children should be taught that we are together in this. Not that man is better or women is better, but that together with trust and love we can make anythign happen. We will get closer to God, we will find a way to deal with the struggles of life. And most important that a relationship is about giving and taking, and about the man stepping up and doing what is right even when it’s hard or doesn’t make sense. And sometimes yes that means stepping out on faith and trusting that what their wife has to say is something that is valid and should be listened to.
Being a wife isn’t about cooking and cleaning and having babies. It’s about building your husband up, watching him become a leader and what God wants him to be. And helping him to get there with the kindest heart possible. Being a husband is about taking a stand and loving his family first before anything else, well besides God. Trying to lead his family to God and never giving up that God is there and that he will raise them up.
Just some of my random thoughts…probably didn’t word it well. Sorry. Have a blessed day!

What is love?

Does anyone really know the answer to his question? I dont’ know. But I have come to realize that love is not a feeling. Or it is but, you can cause yourself to feel love if you want to. When you choose to be kind to someone, even when they don’t deserve it. When you choose to give of yourself to someone else. Those things are love and not only do others love you for that, but you learn to love in a deeper way. There’s a saying that says “if you love someone, set them free. If they return they are yours to keep, if not it was never meant to be.” Well, something like that…I don’t think that’s an exact quote.

For a long time I thought that that was talking about romantic love. I always thought of it when I broke up with someone I was seeing or had been dating, as a reason to think they may come back to me. The more I have thought about it, the more I have realized that it can be applied to anything, anyone.

My step-daughter has gotten to the point where she has banished me form her life. I am hoping that at soem point that will change. But I have found hope in this saying. I have found hope in the thought that maybe I wasn’t meant to be in her life, at least not in a direct way. Or not right now, and maybe someday she will coem back. I don’t have all the answers. I have no clue what is going to happen. But I have realized that I do love her. See….

I have always said that. I tell people that. My husband and I have talked about it. It’s hard for people who have never known real love to know it when they see it. Bu my husband does. He knows. It doesn’t make it easy for him to be in the middle of her and I. But he knows that I love her. And I have come to realize with this that my love for her is probably stronger than her dislike for me. I can pray for her, and think abou ther, and love her, even if she doesn’t know about it. She can walk out of my life, but she can’t take herself out of mine. There isn’t a day that passes that I don’t think about her at some point, and say a little pray that she will be able to see my love for her, or at least how much I love her Dad.

See I do love her Dad. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone. I want to see good hings happen in his life. I want to be a part of all the good things that happen in his life. I want to know that we are ok and that we are strong enough to make it through anything. That no matter what happens, or what he says or does, or I do. That I love him and that I am not going anywhere. I’ve told him that. I hope that he believes it. See there’s nothing he can do to make me stop loving him, no matter what. That’s one thing that other people don’t have control over. I can love them, even if they don’t want my love, or want me to love them.

It’s a nice thought, and I am thankful that God gives us that gift. I can be at peace, not that everything will be easy, or that my heart won’t hurt at times. But no one has control over my thoughts, and love, and prayers. NO one can take those things away from me. It’s a great feeling and it gives me a sense of peace that I have never known before. I don’t have to spend time worrying because I know that I love them, I know God knows I love them, and I know that He is going to take care of everything.

We serve an awesome God!!!!Have a blessed day!

19 Days!!!!

That’s how many days are left until I leave to go get my husband. There’s a small possibility that it might be a couple days before that. But worst case it’s supposed to be 19 days. We are praying for good weather for his flights out of Iraq and Kuwait. If the weather isn’t good and they get to far off schedule he will probably only get a pass to come home for christmas and then have to go back to complete his debriefing…or whatever it is that they do. Anyway, I am so excited! It’s uneblievable. It’s like we’ve been waiting all this time and now it’s finally here. Although in my mind I know that 19 days is not to much time, it still feels like FOREVER. And even though the days pass and we keep doing what we need to do. It still seems far away. We bought a house while my husband was home for leave in August. I moved in in September, and have been working on getting everything together before he gets home. I was finished with the majority of it over a month ago. And now it is ready for him to be here except the normal cleaning and picking up and what not. I’m really excited I have everything in it’s place and every has a home. No more stuff all over the place, no more moving and having to pack everything up again. I am so excited for my husband to see everything that I’ve done. He likes for things to look good….I not so much. I like for things to be clean. But I’m a little conpulsive so I have kind of tuaght myself to ignore it, so that I don’t drive myself insane. Which I still do, but I had to do seomthing. Anyway, not the point. The point is it looks good, not so perfect that it looks like we don’t actually live here, but clean enough that it doesn’t look cluttered and messy. I’m so excited! I can’t wait for him to see it. I also can’t wait for him to just be here. I miss him so much and I miss the little things and I miss him just always being here. That no matter what we are together in this and things are going to be ok. Even when we don’t know what to do in situations, or all the right answers.

There’s entirely a poossibility that I might go insane over the next few days. I wish I could go to sleep for like a week, and then when I got up it would be time to clean and leave to go get him. That would be nice!!!

To bad I have 3 kids that need me. LOL. Oh well! I will be fine…I’ll make it and hopefully be stronger and better for it. I have good feelings. I think good things are going to happen in our life together, and in our separate lives when he gets home. It’s a good place to be. I know that we will be able to figure things out, and that in the long run our family is going to be better off for all the things that we do.

I know that God is going to continue to be with us, and test us, and give us situation that will amek us stronger. Oddly, enough I have gotten to where I enjoy those times. I enjoy that times that make me think, that make me step outside of myself and try to see things in a different way. To see what the struggles and issues in my life can do for me and my life and the impact that they can have on my life. Maybe that sounds crazy but I feel like if I don’t learn from the drama or the problems or issues then I’m doing both God and myself a disservice. I am thankful for this time that my husband and I have had to reflect together and seperately on our lives and our marriage and life together. Our family. I have seen a lot of things and I have learned a lot of things. I have found this place of peace. I’m sure that there will be times when it will leave me, but I know what it’s like now, so I know it’s something that I want to strive to keep in my life. That balance, that sense of this is not all there is, and in the long run does this thing or that thing REALLY matter. Most of the time I have foudn the answer is no. I f you love someone, does it really matter if they say they are sorry for something. Maybe they should, or it’s wrong for them not to. But are you going to stop loving them if they don’t? If you’re answer is no then I guess it’s just time to move on and not hold on to that thing that you think you deserve.

We don’t deserve what God has done for us. While we are to repent and be sorry, we often continue to make the same mistakes. God loves us and he forgives us. So we need to practice that in our lives. And it’s not about saying I forgive you, or I love you. It’s about showing it and practicing it. Even if the other person doesn’t know, or doesn’t care if you have forgiven them. Hopefully God will give you the opporutnity to show them what you have learned, but it’s not about them. I’ve heard this many times before, and I knew what it meant I believed it, but I never felt it myself. And I guess I didn’t really know what it was, until I started praying for peace and for God to heal the situation. I found that through paying for peace I was able to think about the situation and not be angry anymore. I still feel hurt and wronged, but not angry. I still feel like I am owed an apology, but it’s not necessary, and I can go on and love and be at peace because I know that God is going to fix this in the best way possible. It might be to bring this person back into my life, and give me the chance to forgive and show something different. Or it may be that in order for this person to get what they need from God it would be better if I am not in this persons life. I’m good with that. After all isn’t the most important thing that the people we love come to know God and spend eternity in heaven with us. Well, not just the people we love, but especially the people we love.

I have found that when I look at it from this side I can let go and let God. That I may not be able to change a life, but that he can. That he will put the right people in someone’s life to give them what they need and show them something different. I have seen it time and time again. It just so happens that up till now when it was important I was there to help guide. This might sound prideful. But I don’t take the credit I am just thankful that God gave me the ability to help and to show love and to give His love to people. I now realize that sometimes that is probably going to mean to let someone go so that someone else can show them who and what God is. I am thankful that I serve a God that will look out for the people I love when I can’t or when they won’t let me. That I can have peace and live my life and know that things are going to work out the way that he wants them to, even when I don’t see it.

Thank you for listening. And I can’t wait till my husband comes home……….

you never know what it’s like until that person is gone. Cliche? Maybe but it’s true and you find that things you thought were a little weird are true. I have found that all relationships should go through some period of time apart. It might sound weird. But you have to have enough time to realize what you have and what you miss. A couple days doesn’t have the same impact as a couple or few months does. Much less almost a year. Ok…..a year is way to long. I knew what I needed to know when he came home in August. But there have been other good things that have happened since then, and things that are going to make us that much stronger when he does get home. Point still the same….it’s easy to get caught up in the little things, or even the not so little things when you are there in the middle everyday. Not having someone close allows you to look at a lot of things in a different light and in a different way. And not only realize how much you love that person, but what that person means to you, and it has taught me that as much as I somtimes don’t see it. We have a great relationship, one that is beyond what a lot of other people have. One that is going to last and that is stronger than anything that can come into our lives and try to destroy us. Praise God for the ability to hang in there and to learn and grow.

Have a blessed day!

Determining when to listen…….

So I have come to the realization that sometimes there are things we just can’t listen to. Or that people have thoughts and “feelings”,”gut instincts” that aren’t always accurate. Something was said that made me wonder if I live in a glass house. That what I think about my life and my relationships isn’t true. Or that I have no clue what I am doing. I know that I’m not perfect and that I have made some big mistakes. But I have always had ggod friends and people that love me. I mean I have friends that I have had for 20 years. I have had more than one person tell me that I’m crazy to listen to people that have only bad things to say about me.

In theory I believe that. I know that there are ups and downs, and that there are good things and bad things in everyone. So if someone only has bad things to say then at least some of them have to be wrong….right? Well, I like to at least consider that I might be wrong if someone accuses me of something. In this case I’m not entirely sure what that something is. At least not that’s so bad to make me less than dirt. BUt you know….I have to consider these things. I have to put myself in someone else’s shoes and see if what has been said has any amount of truth to it.

I am so thankful for these moments. They are hard and they aften hurt but I can learn things from all of this stuff. I can be better and I can be stronger and the next time I have the opportunity to make a difference, maybe I will do a better job. I am sad today. But I am happy too. I have seen a light, even if it’s a small one and I’m hoping that in time that light will get brighter. One day i will learn not to let things get to me so much, and I will see that there are things that just are the way they are.

Being different, even in a good way, is often something that people are not used to seeing. I have spent time around people that think that I am a hyposrite, but also have never seen the kind of love and support that I am able to give. They don’t know what I know. The reason is because of God. Not being perfect doesn’t mean that you can’t be different and that people won’t see that difference. I used to think that being different meant that people would like me, and that I could make a difference.

I now believe that I can make a difference, but that’s it’s very possible, if not probable that people won’t like me because they don’t understand or even really know what I have to offer. This is one of the hardest things to accept. This is not soemthing that we are taught. Sure we are taught that we will be persecuted, but no one ever says someone you love or really care about maybe treat you badly and not like you love them. But like you are against them, or have alterior motives, or are manipulating or whatever. It’s hard to come to grips with this and try to understand it. Maybe it’s not understandable, maybe it’s just something we have to pray about and hope that God will open those people’s hearts to our love and what we have to share with them.

I hope that everyone has a blessed day!

Thoughts that plague you….

Have you ever had them? I seem to be a little bit obsessive complusive. However, I am getting better at not letting it effect my mood, especially when the complusion is of the negative kind. I can’t seem to turn my mind off. Especially when it is something of great importance to me. Like family or good friends. I know that I will never be all that I can be, that only Jesus’ blodd can make me whole and pure in the sight of God. But I hope that even with the constant failure I am learning and growing. I think that I am. I also think there is a difference between pride and feeling good about yourself. We are all God’s children so I think he wants us to remember those times that we do things that are really good. We should have humility, of course, but I don’t think it’s wrong for me to feel good about helping someone find their way to Christ, or steeping out of myself and doing something good for someone else. When there are things I feel good about it makes me want to do more good things, it makes me want to do more, do bigger and give more everytime I do the smallest of things. Giving is something that God wants from us. When we give we glorify him, so why shouldn’t we feel good about doing it. Why shouldn’t we search for things to do that will make us feel good. It doesn’t have to put us out, or burden us in order for God to get the glory for it. Even the little things God wants the glory for the raked yard next door, the taking care of a lost puppy, whatever you can imagine. Those things can be done to his glory. I am so thankful for all the things that I have. The family and friends. The good times and even the not so good times. I believe they make me a better person. I can’t wait to keep going with life and I hope that I will have the power to do some of those little things. I am so excited! Life I”m sure is just going to keep getting better, dispites the challenges it poses. God is awesome! And living life is wonderful….if we have to be here might as well do some good things, have fun, and make the most of it. Peppered of course with the confess, repentance, and sorrow that we should sometimes feel. But I for one have never believed that God put us here to be unhappy and myserable and just “make it thorugh”. He wants us to live life and to enjoy the good things this world has to offer until we find ourselves at home with him.

PS- As much as I love life! I have come to the place where I don’t want to die, but I”m ready to go home. I don’t want to be here anymore. But that’s no reason to waste my life waiting to die.

Not much

So my kids are driving me crazy today. I think they are tired….plus they spend more time IN the house because it’s cold outside  more often. We had some really nice days this week, but it’s cold today. So they insist on driving me crazy. I love them…they are great kids. But man they really try me sometimes, and I am so anxious for their Dad to be home that I am having a tough time dealing with it sometimes. Well, ok almost everyday at some point I’m like……aahhhhh please just stop. Anyway, enough of my complaining. There’s not much going on today. I have a lot of things on my mind. I stayed up till midnight hoping that I would go to sleep and not lay there. But no such luck it was probably after 2 before I finally got to sleep. Which really is not so good. Amazingly I’m not that tired today, but I am tired. I am having a tough day, but hey that’s not to unusual around here lately. I have been thinking how God works. Not that I will ever understand that. But it is so amazing. I can’t imagine how things can coem together so well, and how the things that we ask for always turn out the way they are supposed to. It’s like when people day hindsight is 20/20, which is true, but I think the truth is that God sees it without hindsight, and if we just learn to have patience and trust the things that are happening in our lives good and bed, we will figure out that things are going to work out. This is one of the hardest things that I have had to learn. Sometimes you just have to wait out the tough times or the hard situations and God will bring them back around. Or our lives were better off without whatever it is that we think we want, a relationship( of any kind), a job, a move, whatever. Even if what we get isn’t necessarily what we want, odds are we will look back and say WOW that worked out really well. I would never have thought that would happen. That’s the amazing thing about God, the more you learn to trust him, the more of these things you can see in your life. THe more times you find yourself thanking God for the trials or the difficult circumstances because you know when you come out on the other side you are going to be better for it. You know that you will be closer to him, closer to those around you, or be in a better place in your life. I love these thoughts. They sustain me. I am trying to find the peace that says, whatever this means, I know it’s for the good. I trust that God knows what he is doing, and he wants to bring things to where they should be and will give us those chances.

The hardest part is in relationships, when God does his part to bring that person to where they can see him, or should seek him, and they choose not to. We can have faith and God will provide, even for those that aren’t actively following him, but they have the choice of whether they want to see or change. Often I have found that we take this to heart and we think that our faith isn’t enough when someone we love turns away or doesn’t acknowledge God. I have come to realize that this is a big mistake. We take something away from ourselves when we take it on ourselves to be in control of someone elses salvation. THey have to amke that choice, we can help and we can pray, and God will do his part. But in the end they still have to make the choice and make God the center of their lives.

It helps with the state of peace when we remember this and learn that sometimes we need to let go, and sometimes we just need to pray. Have a blessed day!

Possible Answered Prayer….Faith of a mustard seed

Well, I don’t have all the details yet, and it will probably be a while before I know much. But hey…that just allows me to work on my patience and peaceful existance more…right? Anyway, it isn’t exactly what I thought the answer would be, but I’m hoping that what has happened will cause some good things for both my husband and myself. I’ve really been trying to keep my heart and mind open, and have been praying for all the hearts of those involved to be open. I’m not sure there has been much else to specificly pray for.

I have come to realize that sometimes the best thing we can do is NOT to put God in a box. Sure we have things that we want or would like to happen. But he knows those things, so maybe it’s best to just pray that he will make things better, or fix what needs fixing. After all if anyone knows it’s him, right? Well, I’m hoping that by not putting God in a box of my will there are going to be more answers faster than I would have imagined them. I don’t know yet. And it still may be a long time before I know. But I trust that He knows what he is doing and that in the end it will all be to His glory.

Sometimes things in our lives are just to big for us, even if we have God on our side. We just need to truelly let go, and let God. I’ve heard that a lot, but for some reason it has stuck with me lately. I tried everything, in every way I knew to try to fix this situation in my life. And when it didn’t work, even when I prayed for God to guide me. I decided that it would be best if I just waited and let him work for a while. And in a way that prayer has already been answered. Someone else has stepped in to try to help fix a seemingly very broken and beyond repair relationship. But maybe with God guiding this other person things will really start to change. And I just have to learn to butt out and let things ride for a while. Let this person try, and let God do his magic. (I’m sure there’s someone that’s effected by my word choice, but it’s simply the words that came to mind.) I know that God is amazing and that simply having the faith of a mustart seed can move mountains.

It’s amazing when we really take the time to ponder that. I mean really…think about it right now…….

Did you try to move a mountain? Did it work? Well, I didn’t feel the earth shake sitting here so I’m assuming not. Now, do you know how big a mustard seed is? If not goggle it and find a picture….it’s tiny, tiny, tiny. So if faith that same can move a mountain. Then imagine how small our faith has be to for that mountain not to move. But more importantly think about all the things that your faith can and has done…..all with a faith obviously smaller than a mustard seed. This probably seems really random and kind of crazy to some. But these are the things I think about. I wonder how I can feel like my faith has done so many amazing things in my life, and in the lives of those around me. Yet I still can’t move that mountain? So…..

Is this something you can ponder? Is this something you can even get your mind around? Isn’t it amazing the things that our Father and God is capable of. I fully believe that God has my issue in his hand and that the way that he sees fit, it will get fixed, it will work out, and it will be to his glory and the benefit of all involved. But it has to be in His time and in His way. I’ve seen glimpses it’s coming and it’s going to be awesome. Now I just have to find the patience to wait…

THanks for listening! Have a blessed day!

It Would Be So Much Easier If There Was a Manual…..

Ya life would be easier! So would trying to do the right thing. I don’t know about any of you, but I find that it’s hard to find my “place” and my role as a women. I want to be the kind of person, mother, and mostly wife…..that God wants me to be. I have found that there are just one too many situations where the answers aren’t clear, and there’s not a black and white. Which leads me to wondering how we can ever do the “right” thing. What if there is no definate answer and I choose the wrong one. Does that mean that I’m not following God or that I don’t love him and want to obey him?

I don’t think it does. This is where I think that heart comes into the equation, and grace. God didn’t promise that life would be easy, and he did give us a book to go to that says “if this happens do this”, “if that happens, this is what you should do”? I know we have the Bible and if someone could point out where it can tell me how to be a good wife when my step-daughter hates me, and my husband doesn’t want to lose his daughter. But more important he wants to have a positive effect on her life. I know that there are generals…and that we should love and practice patience and understanding. But I have a hard time….

Often when I think that I’m doing something good and I’m loving and at least trying to do a good thing, that is the time when someone else sees it as totally wrong and in the evil world. I wonder sometimes if that isn’t a form of persecution. And is the fact that I think about that a symptom of being prideful. I don’t know! Don’t get me wrong, I in no way think that I am perfect, or anywhere near where I need to be or where God wants me to be. But there are things that I say and do that don’t seem wrong or bad to me but that others seem to find horrible. Like the worst possible thing, like I killed someone or something. I don’t know! Oh, have I already said that? LOL

I guess I just really wish that there was a manual. That there was some way to learn the things to do without constantly making things worse. I want to be someone that my husband can trust, no matter what happens outside our relationship. But somewhere along the line I messed that up. He shares with me, but he doesn’t always tell me things because he thinks I’m going to react badly. I do have my own thoughts and feelings about things, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t also be supportive of him. I am trying to learn to keep my mouth shut, and only give my opinion when asked, or when the right conversation comes up. That has seemed to work pretty good. There are some things I have a hard time with not saying anything about, but even those things I try to make sure they are the really important things.

I want to be the wife that God wants me to be. That God set me here to be. I just don’t always know how to do that. And I sometimes think that in my effort to be better I am actually doing more damage. But I have hope and I believe in the power of prayer. And I see small steps in the right direction all the time. I guess that’s all I can do…short of finding the illusive manual….

Have a blessed day!

Self worth

I have often wondered in my adult life what happens to people that they don’t think they deserve good things and won’t seek them out for themselves. I don’t know if this is something you are born with and that is part of you or if it is something you are taught, order accurately you aren’t taught thy you ARE amazing and worthy. I think maybe it’s a little of both depending on the person. And for someone that has this issue it takes A LOT for them to trust someone else with pretty much anything. I have a friend right now that is amazing. This person has been through hell and all that is really needed is someone to have some compassionate an see through the fear and hurt to the person inside. It’s so hard to see this sometimes when people are living their lives reacting out of fear. There may be a moment here and there where they can see how great what they really want could be. But then the fear washes over them and they shut back down. It’s unfortunate that sometimes these people will push away and break the people they should be holding into the richest. I’ve been on both sides of this deal. Someone that got used and broken and someone that was allowed to have the trust of someone that doesn’t easily give trust. There are different sides of the same coin. What makes one person go one way and one another way. What allows one person to see the beauty dispite the crazy and one person just see the crazy. I don’t have the answers to this. But I know that knowing and loving yourself has to start on the inside. You have to know what’s important to you and what you can and can’t live with or put up with or get over. I have always known that I am pretty amazing. Don’t get me wrong I don’t think I do no wrong or that I am the greatest thing since sliced bread. But I have a good heart, I give love freely, I’m passionate and understanding and considerate. Among I’m sure many other things. But the thing is no one can convince me any different. Sure I make mistakes. Big ones sometimes that I can’t fix nosy yet how hard I try. But end of the day what you say and do can hurt me hit you won’t break me. I may have to walk away or distance myself from you in order to save my heart. But you can’t change how I see myself. God gives me that. No human can take away what God has given me. I am His daughter, I am saved by grace, and most importantly I am mad inHis image. I’ve been reading the old Testiment and I have come to realize that evening of our not so desirable traits are also traits that God possesses. He lashes out and gets angry. Seeing red angry. More than one example says a human saved another human from Gods wrath by begging Him not to destroy something or someone. Sure what we do with those feelings and thoughts can be right and wrong, but God gets angry to so how can we see that as wrong for ourselves. I am amazed how many people are paralyzed by their fear. Come on God loves you. He made you in His image if you don’t like yourself or something about yourself change it but don’t tell me you aren’t exactly how God intended you to be. An for goodness sakes…. Learn to believe that you not only deserve but can have amazing things in your life if you just let yourself believe you are deserving because you are. Thanks for reading as always!!


So tonight I have found myself alone sitting in the church parking lot crying and unable to go in for church. How ridiculous is this?? I’m scared and broken and I don’t know what to do. I know what my heart wants an my mind is pretty close to on the same page but I do not want to do the wrong thing. Unfortunately, there is no one that can tell me what to do because it’s about me and what I need. I need to get out of this car and go in this building. I need to believe that the God that lives inside me is leading me and answering my prayers even if I don’t like the answers. I have to believe that things that are broken can be fixed even if the way they are fixed is not the way we think they should be fixed. I read somewhere recently someone said ” God doesn’t want to just follow one part of his word to the exclusion of all others.” That really hit home with me. I guess I have always kind of felt that way but I never knew how to put it into words and I live the way that sounds. We aren’t called or required by Him to put ourselves trough situations that are not going to build us up or glorify Him. Can Hr make anything beautiful He can but we have to seek Him first and if something in your life is preventing you from seeking Him only you can change that. If you are in a marriage or friendship where the other person is not seeking God then it’s very possible that is not a place that you should be. Or that you need to seek out ways to start seeking Him in order to start changing things. How long is long enough?? I dot have an answer for that I think we all have out own ideas. We all have that thing inside us that nags at us. We know sometimes before we are even ready to truly face it. But when that realization comes, when that need and desire for something different or better hits its only you that can take the steps to make that happen. If you choose not to take those steps and to stay in denial you ate the one that will lose out. You are the one that won’t grow and wot change and won’t have any deeper understanding of Gods love. If our first goal in life is to put God first than we have to make the choice to do that and we have to do that without thought for the consequences or persecution we may receive. God wants us to draw close to Him and He wants us to find Him in ways that we have never experienced before. Go seek Him and find the heart of Him that you didn’t even imagine was there. I’m still sitting here unable to love paralyzed with fear about being alone and finding my way completely on my own probably for the first time ever and yet I feel free in the knowledge that God is goin to allow me to be stronger, wiser, a better mother, friend, sister, daughter and women through this. And He will be glorified because of my ability to overcome my fear and step out of the frozen stoppage off my life and get moving. Be blessed today and thanks for reading!!!

Growing up

I have found myself thinking a lot but the things we learn as we get older. I don’t think of myself as dumb and I often think that I don’t have the same thoughts as many people my age. And I’ve thought that about every age since about 15. However, there are things I find myself saying now because I know the consequences of not doing the things I tell someone to do in the first place. I am told from time to time that I have some good thoughts and insights. I don’t really think they are, to me they are just normal, but I have found myself wondering why I didn’t or haven’t done the things that I tell other people. I have also increasingly found myself saying I get how you feel but I don’t know what to tell you because I don’t know how to fix it either. Or maybe I do know how to fix it I just choose not to because it would be painful. Like friendships sometimes we know a friendship has probably mostly run its course. It’s not that you won’t always care about that person just that you are no longer in the same place and therefore don’t need that close contact anymore. Being wise is not something that is easily gained and the pain that can come from acquiring wisdom can be some of the worst pain we experience in life. I think that we should learn more about ourselves and those around us and be more willing to accept truths even if they are the hardest thing we will ever have to do. Even if we don’t really know what’s right or wrong being stick isn’t really helpful. And knowing for certain what you should do is not often an option. I know an believe that God leads us and shows us. But sometimes we know what He would like but what he wants is something totally different. And I just wonder if He couldn’t make something beautiful out of something ugly if we would just have the strength and courage to let go and slow Him to do it, even if its painful in the present. I could be totally wrong and probably am but I do try really hard not to put God into the box of what I want in my life and to let me feel good about something that I just want to do. I could be wrong about that as well but I spend time in prayer and reading Gods word trying to learn from him so all I can do try to find the right answer and to do what God wants me to do. And pray that He knows my heart and my lie for Him and that His lie for me can cover what I am lacking and the mistakes that I may make dispite seeking Him. Thanks for reading. Have a blessed day!!!



I love this saying. I found it on Facebook today. And it is so true. We shouldn’t be afraid of things. Do bad things happen…. sure!! But we should show and give love the best way we know how. Sometimes we may need to take a break and figure out how to heal from pain, but we should never just check out or give up. Because you will never experience something great if your afraid of anything.

Needs of others

If there’s one thing I wish I could give the people around me it’s peace and love. As I have gotten older I have realized that too many people don’t find value in themselves and in what they do. They may know that they aren’t horrible people but they don’t feel it. I don’t know what makes me different. Probably my amazing parents and my amazing Mom that not only let and let’s me be who I am but helps me to be the best person I can be with the gifts I have been given. I’m not like the rest of my family in many ways. I have shared traits with each of them of course but I have always felt a little on the outside. I said that to my Mom recently and she just looked at me. I had to tell her that I know they love me but I also know they don’t understand me and don’t agree with me only things. But I have realized that so many people are seeking someone to give them value. No one can do that. I have had to take a step back and realize that being able to love unconditionally and be supportive is a gift and it often creates feelings and thoughts for people that aren’t real. I have walked throughout friendships in my life and while many of them have been lasting they have changed greatly. I have the gift of giving people what they need at certain times in their life. For some reason I can help them through things that they feel like they are alone on. And when I love I love forever. People can feel that and they treasure it. Because so many others don’t really understand what that means. For me I have to accept that sometimes, maybe most times, I have to be the strong one. The one that doesn’t get caught up and the one that realizes that this to shall pass and the need will be gone. While I am grateful to be this person it also comes at great personal pain at times. And I often have a hard time determining what I really think and want. And sometimes people don’t see me. They expect that I will be there, or more likely know that I will be. And therefore I am taken for granted. Then when I try to get my needs met they don’t know how to handle that or why I seem to need it. I can’t be strong al the time. Sometimes it would be nice to have someone say it’s going to be on we will figure this out. You don’t have to be scared or think that you will end up alone. I know that these things are not true but I don’t like having to ask people to give them to me. I would like to have someone just give them to me freely. Somewhere deep inside me there are things that I know. I know I’m a not a perfect mother, friend, wife, sister, daughter, co-worker but I also know there are so many things I am good at. There are gifts that I have that are beyond what some people can even imagine. I wish I could give them away. I wish I could give people the strength to know that they are amazing. That dispute not being perfect they are loved and worthy of that love. That although people will hurt you it’s not worth it to shut the world out. That becoming a better you will often mean change that is painful but you have to face it and go through it to become the better you that you want to be. And I wish I could give that dispite mistakes made we are all given freely Gods love. He loves us period. Much like I love my children. Having a daughter that is 23 and now has her own children has allowed me to even better be able to see Gods love. I don’t necessarily agree with very decision her family makes but it doesn’t stop my love for them and it wouldn’t prevent me from helping them on any way possible. God gives from His grace and goodness. His love is not conditioned on whether we fail or not because even with the best intentions or thoughts we will still fail. I want the one thing I leave on this earth when I die to be love. If I can love bigger and different for people than anyone else ever has than I believe I have done my best for God here on this earth. I could be wrong of course but I can only do what I know to be true at this moment. I am broken but I am beautiful ad I am loved and no one can give that to me and more importantly take that from me because its buried deep within me as a part of God himself. I am proud to say I’m His daughter and He is my father and no matter what anybody on this earth says or does to me nothing can change that. And that’s the gift I want to give those around me. It’s the greatest gift because it gives you hope and peace that things will be ok no matter where your life is at right now. I am blessed by Gods love and place inside me. I know that He will lead me to where I need to be and will show me what I need to do. Be blessed today!!!


I am so annoyed. I have a medical thing going on that has been going on for a couple years now. I won’t go into details as it is pretty embarrassing. However, I am so annoyed that it seems to be impossible to find an answer. I have been told multiple things. Now I don’t have insurance but I can’t get any doctor to understand I would gladly pay if they would be able to tell me what this is and fix it. They recently found something but I’m not sure it’s what’s causing the problem. I am being treated but still have the original complaint. It is very frustrating. I have several friends who have been to multiple doctors that are supposed to know something and it has still taken them forever to e diagnosed. I have one friend that actually had doctors look at her and say well we don’t know so just go home. Maybe not verbatim but pretty close. That is so annoying. I know that they are human and there are many specialties. But you’d think they would at least try to direct you in the right direction. And that they would listen to you. That when you say I’ve done this this and this that I was told to do and nothing works. Then someone would say wow maybe we really need to look harder at this. Or let’s try something that might not be on the normal realm of what happens to most people. Because more than once I have proven my body does not work the same way that other people’s bodies work. I’m not in pain for which I am so thankful. But I’m irritated and annoyed and some days it’s all I can do to just make it the through the day without completely going crazy or being very irritable with the people around me. I’m tired it does interrupt my sleep many nights and that doesn’t help either. Those nights when I have that problem plus a kid or have to get up to go to the bathroom or have some other complaint are really bad and more regular than I realize. It’s like you just get up and keep going and then one day you realize you’ve been doing it so long that you’re just really tired. Anyway, that’s my complaint for today. Maybe because I’m tired. I’ll have to try to conjur something more uplifting and great and post again later. Thanks for reading!!!

People don’t change

I often realize that people don’t change. You can work at changing things that you say and do but who you are doesn’t change. Most likely if someone isn’t someone you can get along with we’ll. You never will no matter how hard you try. Have you ever noticed that there are just some people you have an automatic lifetime connection with? I have found you can try to deny it or ignore but the truth is it’s always there.
I recently found some journals from 15 years ago and while I skimmed through them I realized I am very much the same. Even the way I speak is the same. I have more experience Andover insight but I am still the same. This means something to me because 15 years ago I was 17. I can still remember having such a hard time with “adults” that seemed to treat me like I didn’t know anything. I have to constantly remind myself of this when I’m dealing with my teenager. Who he is now is who he will most likely be and it’s my job to try to help him be the best him that he can be. I look back an marvel at some of the things that I said,did, and knew at such a young age. I have changed in many ways and for a long time I tried to stifle part of me that makes up who I am. Thanks to some really good friends and people in my life I am finding that part of me again. And I am so thankful. As an adult person I am realizing that allowing someone to alter who I am is one of the greatest disservice a I can so to myself. I can’t be who God wants me to be if I allow another broken lost human person to alter who God made me to be.
This is something that is difficult to work through and come to terms with when you have allowed someone that you care about and love deeply to do this to you. And make no mistake you train people how to treat you. Hopefully they can be retrained but if they can’t where do you go from there? That is where I find myself. At what cost is losing myself because someone can’t accept who I am an love me? Not only for those great things about me but for the not so great things as well. I truly believe our quirks and needs that differ from others can be something you can choose to embrace and treasure. You just have to look from the right perspective. I am who I am. I’m proud of who I am. I’m proud of the amazing kids I have. I’m proud of my family and I’m proud that God gave me the ability to be a friend and touch people’s lives in a way that I know is a gift from God. I know that I often fall short of expectation and spend much time in thought about things I could have done differently. I also know they happened the way that they did for a reason. Who are we to judge God’s ways. There are multiple references to God hardening people’s hearts in the Old Testiment. I don’t know if that stopped when Jesus came but I wonder sometimes. When we don’t understand why someone behaves a certain way is that because God is growing me through them? It’s an interesting thought. People don’t change. I will always be a little crazy with a big heart and big love, have a big mouth and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God made me to show people a love that is so rare. It doesn’t matter who you are. My love is limitless and unconditional. That doesn’t mean I will allow you to treat me badly forever but it does mean whether you like it or not I will live you forever. Many people don’t understand that but I do and God blessed me with the insight to see the difference. I am so blessed and I pray that everyone would learn to be the best person God made them no matter what anyone says and no matter how different they are from those around them. Have a very blessed Friday everyone. Thanks for taking the time to read I know it has a little ramble to it.


I am getting to spend the weekend withy grandsons. Well, technically they are step- grandsons. But it doesn’t matter to me. I love them like they are mine. Along with their Mom and Dad. It is such a blessing to spend time with little kids. I hope there is never a time when I don’t get to be around one of some kind or another. They are so precious and real. They love hugely and with everything they have and they so quickly forget when they are mad at you. I love kids. I know that I reached official adulthood a while back but I still see myself as trying to love like a child. It is one of my greatest gifts. I have the ability to love in a way that many people don’t. Unfortunately that also makes it difficult to know when I’m around people that just plain aren’t good for me. People that eventually bring me down instead of building me up but because I live them I can’t let them go. I don’t know what to do about this. I don’t know what the right thing to do is, what God would have me do. When is it ok to live someone and forgive them but know that you are better off without them close to you. I have struggled with this with many people in my life and I have come to very few conclusions or found very few answers. I hope that as I continue to search and seek I will be able to find an answer that will be good for me and that will do the least amount of damage to those that are around me. And I hope that everyone will find some kids to spend some time with and just stop and soak up their life and love because we all need a little bit of that in our lives.

Sweet Girls!!!


This is my daughter( the brunette) and my niece. They are best friends. They love each other so much. Even when they fight they still love each other 5 seconds later. Oh to have that kind of love. To know that you will be best friends no matter what. They are 2 years apart in school so I hope that as they get older they will stay close. There is nothing better than friends that are also family!!

Old Testiment

Well once again it’s been a while. However I now have this nifty smart phone which is going to allow me to keep up better. I have found that reading the Old Testiment is pretty awesome!!
The first time I read the Bible front to back was about 2 years ago. At that time one story stuck out so glaringly to me. Jacob actually physically fought with God all night. He walked away with his hip messed up because of it. Genesis 32:22-32
I am fairly certain this story was never told growing up. If it was it wasn’t with any depth or thought. I can NOT believe that. Isn’t it an axing story that Ana fought with God and doesn’t it go directly to show that we still fight with him. We come out of those fights scared for life but God will still love and bless us if we live Him.

This time I haven’t had any of the same major moments yet. But I have once again learned how much we can really learn about God through the old testiment. The New Testiment is focused on Jesus but we can really see the depth of God’s love for us and also His great desire for us to love Him. Not just do His will but really train our hearts after Him.

1 Saumuel 15:22-23(The Message)

Do you think all God wants are sacrifices- empty rituals for show?
He wants you to listen is the thing,
not staging a lavish religious production.
Not doing what God tells you
Is far worse than fooling around in the occult.
Getting self-important around God
Is far worse than making deals with your dead ancestors.
Because you said No to God’s command,
He says No to your kingship.

This is in reference to King Saul not doing exactly what God asked Him to do in a battle. Therefore, God took His anointed kingship away from him.

Wow!! It’s really amazing and I love it!!!

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